[Gemini]

11:03 PM

Sharadin...kemon ekta deen gelo. Not really explainable. But it was good in terms of realizations. Dui ekta jinish realize korlam. Which was pretty surprising because I thought.....well anyways.

Amar duita friend ache. Ekta ekhane arekta Dhakae. Era keu kauke ekhono shamna shamni dekheni karon eder porichoy amar shutre. Dhakae je thake taakeo ami ekhono dekhini but we've known each other for years. Let's call them O and I. Mojar bepar hocche oder duijoner baba school friend. Kintu era keu karo existence shomporke jantoi nah. It was only a few months ago when I introduced them via MSN that we all came to know of the family ties.

Ebong O ar amar baba roommates chilo when they were in Montreal many years ago. And they kinda knew each other in Bd. Kintu ami ebong O keu karo existence shomporke jantam nah. Well I knew about her a bit. She was a media figure. Kintu o amar bepare janto nah. Besides I left Bd as a kid. Onek bochor pore...jiboner ghorpeche we landed in the same highschool here in Canada. I met her a few years ago and have been friends since. So bola jae ekdom shutae gatha relations.

Relationship ta aro kichuta gobhir arekta karone. Ami/amra bar bar dekhechi jokhon amader karor mon kharap thake, ki kono kichu hoy, bakidero hoy. Even when we're not in touch regularly. Hoyto ekdin hotath kotha bolte giye amra dekhi...all of us have been experiencing the same or the similar things in our own lives!

Goto 3 deen dhore I am not in the best of my days. I er shathe onek deen temon kono kotha hoy na so jani na o kemon ache. Kintu aaj O ke dekhlam MSN e. Turns out she's also been feeling the same way about the same issues. Amader 3 joner jibon besh alada hoyeo onek similar. It makes us laugh sometimes. Eto meel ki kore thakte pare? I dont wanna jinx ourselves but this is something truly amazing. Amader erokom ar karo shathe hoy nah. Kaal hoyto I er shathe kotha bolte giye dekhbo oro eki obostha! Unfortunately none of us are feeling very cheerful at the moment. Sigh...

I went out for a walk this evening. I wanted to get some sketches done and needed a fineliner pen. Pelam nah. Instead I bought a new sketchbook and a pack of pencil crayons. Jodiyo colour ekhon ar use kori nah. Pari na korte...hoy naah. May kinda sound corny and melodramatic but it's been a while I've been like this. Tao to bhalo abaro aka akir ability ta phire esheche, ba ashche aste aste. Kintu rong diye kichu korte pari nah. Ichha hoy nah...so amar ekhon duita media. Pencil ar charcoals.


Ami khub talented keu nah. Nijeke artist bole bhabteo lojja laage, to be honest. Kintu ekmatro ei ekta jinish ei sharajibon amar shathe thaklo ebong ektuo paltalo nah. Ektuo hotash korlona. Borong mone hoy amiy taake hotash korechi. Eta jedin amake chhere chole jabe odin hoyto hobe amar jiboner shesh deen. Jedin theke kagoje ekta achor o dite parbo na sheydin hobe amar mrittu. I wouldn't be much of a person after that. And I really pray to God that day doesn't come. Amar moddhe ar temon kichui baki nei.

Ami nijer ei ongshotake hoyto onek neglect kori ebong korechi. But thats only far you can go by yourself. It's only as far you can go without someone inspiring you, pushing you. Amar baba maa konodin chaeni ami etake seriously nei. Choto belay I used to go artschool. I had private lessons too. But that was in my childhood. After I came here everything stopped. Got busy with school, in a new country. Oshob onektai bondho hoye gelo.

It wasn't til I entered highschool that I started taking art classes. Tao kemon jano oshojjho lagto. Limited choices. Shob assignments. Nijer kono choice nei. Have to draw, have to paint, have to sketch what is being assigned. If I have to do a sketch of a lifesized strawdoll, I have to do it to pass the class. Not because I love it. I can't sketch something else. I can't draw the orange. I have to draw the apple because that's what the teacher wants us to draw. Shimaboddhota. Not something I'm too friendly with. Akaakir majhe to ami shimaboddhota thekei bachar jonno jai. Ekhaneo jodi shey naak golae...tahole kemne hoy? Shob shomoy je orokom problem hoto ta noy. Khub kom. Kintu oi muhurto guloi onek chilo.

Er majhe nije nije kichui aktam nah. That part of just died. Ja kortam class e pass korar jonno kortam. Pass o hotam. Kintu er baire konodin kichu korte ichhai hoto nah. Prai 6 years ami kichui kori nai. Tarpore hotath...2005 er Summer e..ek bikale hotath...ichha korlo. Abar shuru korlam. Liquid Eyes. Lolo...aro besh koita. Bondhura utshaho dilo. One of them even got inspired to write a couple of poems by seeing a couple of the sketches. I was like "yeey : Tarpore abaro kichudeener break.

Final year e art class e ami bodhdhoy shorbomot 4 bar giyechi. Ei teacher ta amar aageo chilo...khub beshi pochondo kortam nah. She's a bit btchy. Tar joto boyosh barchilo shey toto orokom hoye jacchilo. Plus it had more to with Art history than the art itself. Jodiyo course ta khub interesting chilo amar etokichu bhalo lagchilo nah. I ended up dropping it.

Tarpore I went into a downward spiral regarding everything in life. Onekta downward. Onek kichur bhetor diye gelam, thank you God. Started off the year by not having someone by my side whom I've gotten so used to. Goto prai ek bochore temon kichui korini. KOrte parini. I died again. Brutally murdered.

Someon else came to resurrect me. Lets just say bachate giye aro mere fello. Keno shey bhebechilo shey amake bachiye tulte parbe..ebong asholei ki bachate eshechilo naki tao jani nah. Funny thing is...I didnt neede to be ressurected nor rescued. I was doing fine, dealing with things on my own. But I remember in that shortest time I was close to being my best. I really thought I could live again. As a person and as an...artist?! But nope!

Er pore...besh keu elo...gelo. Kintu orokom bhabe keu amar shilpi shotta ke chhute pareni. Although that was mostly a mere act. Still...
Honestly, most people don't even care. Including my own parents
So now...am working on bringing myself to life again. I'm hard at work. Don't know how much I can accomplish.

I'm thinking of leaving my muse. Before they leave. I do not wish to see them again. Eventhough it was because of them...well indirectly. But still I know it was because of what they said I took my paper, pencil and charcoals out and drew that girl's face. "You havent drawn in 7/8 months?! I really do hope you are able to draw again sometime soon!". I feel bad. I really do. But I really don't have much choice.

I'm too tired of somethings in life. Especially the same circles I seem to go 'round and round in. Kinda reminds me of Floyd's Wish You Were lyrics."We're just two lost souls swimming in a fishbowl year after year".Only in this case there's only one lost soul in the fishbowl.

I do not wish anybody to be here. Not right now. And not in a while. I'm tired. I'll make a terrible company.

I had no idea that this is a Death Cab for Cutie song. I didn't even know the title but I've always loved it. I love "Soul meets body". It's an awesome song...but it kinda makes me feel sad. Maybe thats why I love it. Somethings are so beautiful it makes one feel a bit sad.