[Gemini]

Wednesday
Aug. 1st, 2007
6:39 PM

I'm not in my greatest mood today. I haven't been lately, in fact. I have my surroundings and its people to thank for it. But am dealing with it on my own terms. I'll survive. I am, after all, a survivour This trait is what keeps me going, have kept me going for so long. I thank God for making me a very strong person. And I hate Him for throwing so many curveballs at me at every turn and turning me into this so called strong person. I was happy being not so strong.

Anyhow. I wrote recently how I can't work with colours anymore. How they just dont appeal to me the way they once did. Well, I worked today with them after a long, long time. I'm happy. The piece doesn't look too bad. I guess I have to believe in my abilities more. I sometimes tend to surpass my own self when I do that. I'm happy that my ability of working with colours, or just the ability to create things in general, hasn't died out yet.

There are 4 people whom I....hate. I owe a lot of things to the first two...so it's kinda wrong for me (at least in theory and the religious texts) to feel that way towards them. But I also owe them a lot of my scars. Most, in fact. The third...I don't want to go in depth. The fourth and final...is someone whom I have to thank wholeheartedly for uprooting my faith, my belief in a lot of things that I once had faith in. He has left me scarred and it's something I guess I'll never able to heal completely. It's a tattoo that one can't get rid off but can only cover up. Saying I hate him will be a hilarious understatement. I loath him . I owe half of my scars to him...and the other half to the first two. The third and the fourth I will never see. At least, I would prefer not coming across. Ever. Specially the fourth. And I know they wouldn't want to cross my path either. The first two...well that's a different story.

I don't like blaming others for my own shortcomings and my bad days but these four characters play a much greater role than any others. I think I wouldn't do them any injustice if I say that they are the reason for most of my shortcomings. In fact, I think it's only fair. And to think I used to love these four once upon a time...and respected them deeply, looked up to some of them and...was willing to go to the end of the world, to the deepest part of the hell and back for one of them...hehehe. Life and it's irony.

Kinda reminds me of the following poem by Shakespeare. I love that dude.

Blow, blow thou winter wind

Blow, blow, thou winter wind,
Thou art not so unkind
As man's ingratitude;
Thy tooth is not so keen
Because thou art not seen,
Although thy breath be rude.
Heigh-ho! sing heigh-ho! unto the green holly:
Most friendship is feigning, most loving mere folly:
Then, heigh-ho! the holly!
This life is most jolly.

Freeze, freeze, thou bitter sky,
Thou dost not bite so nigh
As benefits forgot:
Though thou the waters warp,
Thy sting is not so sharp
As friend remember'd not.
Heigh-ho! sing heigh-ho! unto the green holly:
Most friendship is feigning, most loving mere folly:
Then, heigh-ho! the holly!
This life is most jolly.

Sarcasm at it's best