[Gemini]

Wednesday
April 09, 2008
9:45 PM

I remember what bitterness I used to feel towards certain things. Amar mone pore ei koi mash aageo ami besh onnorokom chilam. I'm not a cynical nor a pessimistic person by nature but certain experiences have played their key parts in turning me into a somewhat bitter, cynical person.

I know how uncertainty can make one feel. I can't or rather couldn't deal with that thing too well. "Tomorrow". This word has always been successful in making me feel a little uneasy and eventhough I tried to be hopeful and optimistic, I failed often. It was as if...whenever I tried to be positive, something bad happened and everything crashed around me and there went my faith in all good things out of the window. Honestly speaking, I've been through some really bad relationships. The bad relationships which people near and dear to me have been through haven't helped to make a good impression on me either.

So imagine my fear and doubts when it came to think about myself with someone for the long run. As much as I have always wanted to share it with that special someone, I never had a truly fullfilling relationship because people kept failing me. It was like...nothing ever worked out. In the end of the day, no matter how happy the beginning was, I always ended up being on my own. I truly stopped believing that there could be someone out there for me. Someone decent enough even. When my friends or mom told me positive things I'd either laugh or get mad because all that just felt worthless to me. As much a part of me wanted to, I just didn't care nor truly believed.

So I just decided to stop thinking about these stuff. Or at least I tried. I was happy being single even just a couple of months ago. I never thought I'd be in a serious relationship in a while...let alone be MARRIED before turning 24! (I was planning late 20s or early 30s if I could help!!) The only reason I keep writing about this is because I still don't quite believe it. Wanna hear the most surprising thing though? I've never been so fearless about anything in life. Nor have I been so optimistic or hopeful. I'm fearless about the VERY thing which made me so damn scared, so damn anxious, so damn angry at times even because I kept seeing negative, unhealthy relationships all around me. The word "MARRIAGE" made me wanna run like hell the other way. I kinda lost my faith in men in a lot of ways too.

Now I'm regaining my faith once again and it's easier because THANK GOD I knew this guy waaaayy before any of this crap started happening and know he's not just trying to impress anyone with anything. He is what he is. Ya have any idea what a relief that is after what I have been through? You have no idea. My husband is not an Angel but as far as good human beings go, he is one of the better ones. We are more like buddies than anything else. That's how it always was anyways. Eventhough I called him and treated him as a bhaiya, we hung out with friends and had all these regular addabaji and shoitani faizlamis. But as much as we hung out and what not, I have always respected him. He was always comfortable sharing some parts of him with me and vice versa. But who knew??!

Yesterday we were in Ottawa. We reached there around 5:00 AM and when couldn't find any place to stay in to get some sleep (all were full) I just said "Let's forget it buddy. Bohutdin bhor dekhi nai, cholo ghure ghure bhorer Ottawa dekhi". So Bhor 5 ta theke shokal 9 ta porjonto haatahati kore ghurlam. Oto bhore ar kichu khola nai. McDonaldser breakfast sheshe ber hoye gelam akasher rong paltano dekhte. Rideau Canaler oi paare shurjo otha dekhlam. Ashe pasher elaka choshe beralam. Had coffee at a sidewalk cafe again. BD Highcomission e ek ghonta khoroch kore dekhi haate pray 5/6 ghonta ache. Abar ghurte gelam. Er moddhe bus-e uthe haray o gelam. Well thik haray nai, bus niye pura shohorer arek konay chole giyechilam. Middle of nowhere type jaega. Mojai laagchilo to be kinda stranded! I was enjoying the whole trip very much despite not sleeping much and the fact that my feet were killing me. We hung out from 5:00 AM to 7:00 PM in that city. Mostly just by walking. We took lots of pics, had lots of fun. We both had about 12/14 cigarattes. I firmly told him not to have more than 4/DAY and I myself don't usually smoke but yesterday all of that went out of the window I sat on a bench in Rideau Centre while he took a mini nap by putting his head on my lap. He was so tired I just told him to forget everything and just sleep. I even had an argument with him in the midst of all this. 4 tar shomoy passport pick kore abar ber holam. And we literally kicked each other's ass in front of the legendary Parliament Hill and caught my mini nap there too

Thank God I dragged him outta there around 6 because if we didn't do that, we'd be stuck in Ottawa til this morning. Thing is we're both huge fans of used bookstores. There's something so unique and cool about them and we found a couple so we wanted to check them out before leaving. Suddenly I wanted to go to see them. He was looking for a Stephen King novel and I was just browsing. I ended up choosing a book about all the haunted places in Ohio which he got for me. When we were done, it was around 6:30. He told me the bus is after 7 but I wanted to go there early. Thank Goodness I did because when we reached there, the bus was already there!! It was leaving at 7:00 PM SHARP. There was barely 20 minutes left So I took the chance. "Dude...amar kotha na shunle ki hoyto dekhso?? You owe me a huge thank you. Say it say it!!! " He whispered a thank you and off we were! And...after a 5 hour journey we were in front of our parents by midnight.

I hope the Almighty forgives me someday for being mad and bitter at him for putting me through certain things. And for being who I used to be sometimes. I hope the Almighty forgives me for doubting him even for a second. I am thankful and I am grateful to him for sending some of his best creations into my life as my parents, as my best friends and...as my husband. I owe my parents a hell lot of apology too. They are who they are and although things were not very rosy between us...I've never seen them so HAPPY as they are now and I'm just beginning to realize just HOW much their happiness relies on ME And just how much they love him. It's unbelievable. You can NOT find parents like mine everywhere. I HONESTLY COULDN'T ASK FOR MORE. I just can't....