Joke Collection SS

self_shattered · #1 (**permalink**) 09-07-2007, 03:00 AM

European Union & the New English

The European Union's head commissioners announced today that agreement
has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language standard
for European communications -- rather than German, which was the other
option. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded
that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a
five-year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish ("Euro"
for short). In the first year, "s" will be used instead of the soft
"c". Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also,
the hard "c" will be replased with "k". Not only will this klear up
konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the
troublesome "ph" will be replased by "f". This will make words like
"fotograf" 20 persent shorter.
In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted
to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always
ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes
of silent "e"s in the languag is disgrasful, and they should go.
By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th"
by z" and "w" by v. During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd
from vords kontaining "ou", and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to
ozer kombinations of leters.
After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no
mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech
ozer.
Ze drem vil finali kum tru!

Career Song - The 8 stages

1. when in college : Hum honge kaamiyaab, Hum honge kaam iyaab ek din.....

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2. when giving interview to Multi National Company: Tu hi re.. Too hi re ....tere binaaa main kaise jiyunn....

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3. waiting for interview result: Intehaa ho gai Intzaarki.. aayinaaa kuch khabar mere yaarki ...

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4. just joined: Too cheez badi hai mast mast.....

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5. after some time: Ye kahaan aa gaye hum??

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6. After some more time: Naa koyi umang hai, naa koyi tarang hai, meri jindagi ek kati Pathang hai (booohoooo)

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7. floating the resume: kabootar ja ja ja... kabootar ja ja ja... pehele pyar ki peheli chitthi...

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8. finally when you don't get a better offer any longer : Jeena Yehaan, marna Yehaan iske siwa Jaana Kahaa..!!!

self_shattered · #2 (**permalink**) 09-07-2007, 05:07 AM

******

A man went into a pet shop to buy a parrot. He was shown an especially fine one which he liked the look of, but he was puzzled by the two strings which were tied to its feet. "What are they for?" he asked the pet shop manager. "Ah well, sir," came the reply, "that's a very unusual feature of this particular parrot. You see, he's a trained parrot, sir, he used to be in the circus. If you pull the string on his left foot he says 'Hello' and if you pull the string on his left foot he says 'Goodbye'." "And what happens if you pull both strings at once?" "I fall off my perch, you fool!" screeched the parrot.

*****

While crossing the US-Mexican border on his bicycle, the man was stopped by a guard who pointed to two sacks the man had on his shoulders. "What's in the bags?", asked the guard. "Sand," said the cyclist. "Get them off - we'll take a look," said the guard. The Cyclist did as he was told, emptied the bags, and proving they contained nothing but sand, reloaded the bags, put them on his shoulders and continued across the border. Two weeks later, the same thing happened. Again the guard demanded to see the two bags, which again contained nothing but sand. This went on every week for six months, until one day the cyclist with the sand bags failed to appear. A few days later, the guard happened to meet the cyclist downtown. "Say friend, you sure had us crazy", said the guard. "We knew you were smuggling something across the border. I won't say a word - but what is it you were smu ggling?" "Bicycles!"

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Two Canadian guys, Mike and Rob were on the roof, laying tile, when a sudden gust of wind came and knocked down their ladder. "I have an idea," said Mike. "We'll throw you down, and then you can pick up the ladder." "What, do you think I'm stupid? I have an idea. I'll shine my flashlight, and you can climb down on the beam of light." "What, do you think I'm stupid? You'll just turn off the flashlight when I'm halfway there."

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"I was married 3 times" explained the man to a newly discovered drinking partner, "and I'll never marry again. My first 2 wives died of eating poison mushrooms and my 3rd wife died of a fractured skull." "That's a shame." said his friend , "How did it happen?" "She wouldn't eat the mushrooms!"

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Q: How does Bill Clinton say "I'm about to hurt you"?
A: "Trust me."

self_shattered · #3 (**permalink**) 09-16-2007, 06:37 PM

There was a man who had worked all his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money. Just before he died, he said to his wife,
"When I die. I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me."

And so he got his wife to promise him with all her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him. Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket; his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her.

When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said,

"Wait just a minute!" She had a box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and the rolled it away.

So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband."

The loyal wife replied, "Listen, I'm a Christian, I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him."

"You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!!!?

"I sure did" said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a cheque. If he can cash it, he can spend it."

self_shattered · #4 (**permalink**) 09-23-2007, 03:45 AM

Java Interview

Q. What is the difference between an Abstract class and Interface?
A. Terms are different ... Nothing more

Q. What is JFC ?
A. Jilebi, Fanta & Coffee

Q. Explain 2 tier and 3 -tier Architecture ?
A. Two wheelers like scooters will have 2 tyres and autorickshaws will have 3 tyres.

Q. I want to store more than 10 objects in a remote server ? Which methodology will follow ?
A. Send it through courier.

Q. Can I modify an object in CORBA ?
A. As you wish , I do not have any objections.

Q. How to communicate 2 threads each other ?
A. Non living things can't communicate.

Q. What is meant by flickering ?
A. Closing and opening of eyes at girls.

Q. Explain RMI Architecture?
A. I am a computer professional not an architect student.

Q. What is the use of Servlets ?
A. In hotels, they can replace servers.

Q. What is the dif ference between Process and Threads ?
A. Threads are small ropes. Make a rope from threads is an example for process.

Q. When is update method called ?
A. Who is update method?

Q. What is JAR file ?
A. File that can be kept inside a jar.

Q. What is JINI ?
A. A ghost which was Aladdin's friend.

Q. How will you call an Applet from a Java Script?
A. I will give invitation.

Q. How you can know about drivers and database information ?
A. I will go and enquire in the bus dep to.

Q. What is serialization ?
A. Arranging one after the other from left to right.

Q. What is bean ? Where it can be used ?
A. A kind of vegetable. In kitchens for cooking they can be used.

Q. Write down how will you create a binary Tree ?
A. When we sow a binary seed , a binary tree will grow.

Q. What is the exact diffe rence between Unicast and Multicast object ?

A. If in a society, if there is only one caste, then it is Unicast, else it is
multicast

self_shattered · #5 (**permalink**) 09-23-2007, 03:51 AM

9-1-1 jokes

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Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.
Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
Caller: No, I'm wearing a blouse and slacks, why?
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Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich.
Dispatcher: Excuse me?
Caller: I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it.
Dispatcher: Was anything else taken?
Caller:! No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired of it!
*********************************
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency?
Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.
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Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What's the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!
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Dispatcher: 9-1-1
Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath. Darn....I think I'm going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster.
Dispatcher: Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller: No
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?
Caller: Running from the Police.
**********************************

self_shattered · #6 (**permalink**) 09-23-2007, 04:01 AM

Honest answers

1. Why did you apply for this job?
I have applied for many jobs along with this one and it's just that you called me first.

2. Why do you want to work for this company?
I have to work for some company, whoever gives me a job, I don't have any specific company in mind.

3. Why should I hire you?
You have to hire some one, you may give me a try.

4. What would you do if this happened?
Well, it depends on my mindset and mood in that situation...

5. What is your biggest strength?
I dare to join any company who pays me well, without thinking about the fate of company.

6. What is your biggest weakness?
Girls

7. What was your worst mistake and how did you learn from it?
Joining my earlier company and I learnt that I need to switch my job to get more money, so I am here today.

8. What accomplishments in your last position are you most proud of?
Had I accomplished any in my last position, why do I need to change my job? I could demand more and stay there.

9. Describe a challenge that you faced and how did you overcome it?
Biggest challenge is answering the question "why are you looking for a change" and I started blabbering irrelevantly to overcome that.

10. Why did you leave/ are you leaving your last job?
For the same reason why you left your previous job.

11. What do you want from this job?
No work and good hikes.

12. What are your career goals and how do you plan to achieve them?
Making more money and for that I keep switching jobs every two years.

13. What do you know about our company?
I knew you will ask me this question. So, I've gone through your website.

14. What salary are you expecting?
Well, no one will change his job for the same salary, hence, give me 20% extra than what I am getting right now. I know you will bargain on whatever I ask.So I have already hiked my current salary by 30%.