Thoughts of a Chaotic Mind

[Addabaj]

Aieta tui likhchish? Me flattered ........ .
Kaash, koi mere liye vi aishi kuch likkha hota too ....

Sundor hoiche re paglee. Onek sundor hoiche

[Gemini]

Shundor hoyse na bandor hoyse jani na...kalke ei thread ta khule besh kichukhon boshe theke likhe felechilam
Thank you bhaiya


Wednesday
Oct. 18. 2007
4:14 pm

Goto bochor ei deen ta amar jonno chilo amar jiboner shob cheye dirghotomo ebong shob cheye koshter deen. Paayer niche jeno hotath kore jomi shore giyechilo amar. Mathar opor akash bhenge porechilo. Ami moteo toiri chhilam nah.

Sheydin ki mone kore jeno class e jaini. Day off chilo, tai kaaj o chilo na. Public library te giyechilam. Net e hotath chena jana ekjon elo. Dui ekta kotha bolar pore amake jiggesh korlo "bhaiya biye koreche apu tumi jano?". O je bhaiyar kotha bolchilo tar shathe onek aagei ja kichu chilo shob chuke giyechilo. Thik 8 mash aagei. Tarpor theke pranpone cheshta korchilam jibon ta amar guchhiye niye cholar. Bhaloi korchilam.

Or proshno shune prothome kichu bujhini. Jiggesh korlam kon bhaiyar kotha bolche? Jokhon o bujhte parlo ami...kichhui jani na...ebong amiyo jokhon bujhte parlam o kar kotha bolche...Ami kibhabe react korbo bujhtei parchilam nah. Pathor hoye giyechhilam jeno..

Ektu pore o amake jiggesh korlo ami thik achi ki na. Kichu na bole log off kore uthe gelam Pc theke. Erpore....khub beshi kichu mone nei shudhu mone achhe baire prochondo brishti porchilo. Ami hete jacchilam brishtir maajhe...kono deeke na takiyei. Maantei parchilam na jeno kono kichui. Prochondo koshto lagchilo. Ami hajar koshto peleo kaadi na. Mene niye chole jai. Odin maante parchilam na. Mone achhe ki je brishti porchilo! Brishtir pani ar chokher pani te ek hoye jacchilam.

Kono mote bari elam. Ek chhute chole gelam nijer roome, jeta kokhono kori na. Maa kokhono ashe na amar roome...odin elen. Amar obostha dekhe chomke gelen. Kokhono dekhenni to. Or shathe chhara chhari howar poreo kokhono erokom kichu dekhen ni. Ami bujhte deini. Jiggesh korlen ki hoyeche ami erokom korchi keno? Uttor shune bollen tui kadchish keno? Maa ke ki kore bojhhai keno kadchi ami?

Maa ki bujhbe odin ami hariye felechilam? O amar onek kichhui chilo. O amar kache ja chilo sheta ar konodin keu chhilo na. Keu hote pareni. Or moto ami kauke bhalobashini. Oke ami shob boltam. O amake janto thik ekta khola boi er moto. Ar prai 4 bochor dhore o amake bishash koriyechilo or moto o amake keu bhalobasheni, bujhte pareni. Amar onek aagei bojha uchit chilo jinish ta koto ta mitthe. Kintu oi je...bishash. Bishash korechilam oke onek. Eto bishash kauke kokhono kora uchit noy. Oke aroi uchit hoyni.

Anyways. March theke Oct 18 porjonto mone mone hoyto ekta kheen dharona chilo oke ami puropuri hariye felini. Kintu jokhon shunlam o amar to ar noy-ei, boron ekhon kagoje kolome onno karo...ami mante parchilam na. Amar jibone amar shathe keu eto boro bishashghatokota koreni. 4 ta bochor manush kibhabe eto boro obhinoy kore jete ami eta aaj o bujhi nah. Mathatei dhoke na amar. O shesher deeke emon korechilo je ami baddho hoye shey decision ta niyechilam. Otao or obhinoy chilo jaate kore ei decision ta amiy nei. Babar shanghatik oshukh, ekhane porte ashar visa na pawa, ebong aro joto kichu amake bola hoyechilo, shobi mitthe. Eshob oboshsho aste aste jante perechhilam. Ekta ekta kore...

Babar oshukh noy, o tokhon arekjoner shathe ghor badhar bebostha korchilo. Visa'r kono bepar noy...ota amake emni bola hoyechilo. Bhebechilo ami onnorokom. Hoyto oke chhere debo frustrated hoye. Ami to ta kokhonoi korte chaini. Oke chharar kotha kolponao korte parini konodin. Shduhu matro ekta visa'r karone oke chhere dewar kotha o bhabte parlo ki kore ei niye or shathe jhogra porjonto korechi ami. Eto bochoreo amake bujhte parle na bole chilliyechhi. Prochondo koshto hoyechilo jokhon jante perechilam oke dekhte parbo na aro 2/1 bochorer jonno. Tobe oke sheta bujhte dei nei. O nijei onekta bhenge porechilo (obhinoy)..tai dekhe ami bhebechilam...amake ekhon shokto hote hobe. Ami nijei bhenge porle ar kibhabe ki hobe? Oke aage shamlai, nijer koshter kotha pore. Shob shomoye chheychi oke jaate kono negative kichhu chhete na paare. Ami emoni.

Ami bokar moto oke cheyechi. Tokhon thekei aste aste or dure shore jawa. Class er bestota, kajer bestota. Babar oshukh. Aro koto ki. Aste aste amader bondhu der kach thekei dure shore jawa. Ami konodin bhabteo parini er ontorale or karo ekta chehara thakte pare. Ekhon bhable shotti hashi paae. Amar jiboner eto gulo shomoy, eto gulo bochor, ami khamakha noshto korechilam.

Jai hok...er porer ek shoptaher kotha amar mone nei, jhhapsha jhhapsha mone achhe shudhu. Deener aloy shobar shamne ekdom shabhabik jibonjapon kora. Shobar shathe hasha hashi kora. Shomoy moto kaaje jawa. Raate bari fera. Kintu raate nirghum cheye thaka. Bokar moto nirbak chokher pani fela. Final exam na dite para.

Ami thik bolte parbo na deen gulo keteche ki kore. Tobe mone achhe Eid e shobar shathe normal mojao korechhi ami. Maa ar amar bondhura chhara keu bujhtei pareni ekdom kicchui. Babao na. Ami mana korechilam baba ke kichu janate. Uni tokhon okhanei chhilen. Ebong prai amake phone kore jiggesh korten or kotha. Ami mittha boltam. O bhalo achhe, besto. Korbe dekha ekshomoye. Pore jante pereche hoyto, onek onek deen pore.

Ekhanei oboshsho shesh noy. Aro koshto peyechi jibone. Kintu complain korbo nah. Majhe majhe bhalo bashte ichhe kore kintu tarporei matha theke jhhere feli chinta ta. Ki dorkar? Ei besh bhalo achhi.

[Gemini]

Friday
Oct. 19, 2007
4:55 PM

Kachher manushder mon ton kharap thakle amar bhishon kharap laage. Amar bondhu gulo shobar shathe shobar mone hoy kono psychic connection achhe karon ektar shathe kichu hoy to baki gulor shatheo eki obostha Shobar shathe je shobar porichoy acche tao na kintu erokom hobei hobe. Amar khetreo dekha jae eki obostha. Amar shathe kichu howar pore dekha jae eki jinish oder shatheo hoyeche. To this day, this remains a very big, unsolved mystery to all of us

Kaal amar jemon mon ton bhalo chhilo na, odero tai chhilo. Choto khato kono "mon kharap" kora bishoy na, besh boro boro bepear. Ekjon bikele jokhon amake call korlo, or gola shune ami chomke giyechilam. She was asking if she could come over and then she did about 2 hours later. Jotokhon eshe pouchhaeni, bhishon tension hocchilo. Thake to onek dure.

Raat 10 ta porjonto amar shathe thaklo o. Shob shunlam (tobe shonar moto kichu chilo na, ami bhaloi jani). Bojhalam onek kichu, share korlam. Shob bondhurai ja kore. Oke ami chhara, amar moto keu bujhte pare nah Or shob kichu ek matro amiy jani, amiy bujhte pari. Amader duijoner jibone onek khetre jemon akash patal difference, thik temoni prochondo ek. Amader 3 joneri ashole jibon baire diye dekhte gele bhishon alada, kintu abar prochondo ek.

Amar kobita ta S ke diyechilam pore feedback dite karon o khub bhalo likhe. O ja bolchilo ta moteo asha korini. Aaj dupur bela call kore he was basically yelling on the phone at me. Pagol. Or moto bhalo kobita bondhuder majhe keu likhte pare na. It moved him to tears. Eventhough it was not my intention, shune oboshsho flattered hoyechhi

Kal facebook e or wall e koekta kotha likhechilam. Likhechilam O ar I er wall eo. Eder ke sharakhon aagle rakhte ichhe kore. Rakhteo hoy. Amakeo ora jemon rakhe Keu nei to amader karor, shudhu eke opor chhara.

tui to moha manobi
Priyanka says:
oh oita
- says:
maane
- says:
u make a difference in ppl's lives
- says:
tarpore moneo thake na....

If only they knew how much they have made and make a diffence in my life....
May God look after them for eternity

[Addabaj]

This blog is nominated for the
Best Foreign Language Blog

Best of luck Pinkey

[Gemini]

Oi, moninated ki?

Saturday
Oct. 20th, 2007
6:38 pm

I should probably go to the doc. It's been a while..I mean my health is the last thing that's usually on my mind. But what's up with this mole at the back of my shoulder? Never really paid attention to it but maybe perhaps I should. Am I worried it may posses a threat? I dont know. But I do have a family history of cancer so I can never be too sure I'll take it as it comes, whatever it may be. Soooo...change of topic!

Just finished watching the movie "A walk to remember". (And wow! the girl ends up having cancer. Which is probably the reason am thinking about the darn mole, now that I think about it. ) Anyways. Never watched the movie before. I mean I came pretty close it a few times but never stuck around long enough to actually sit down and watch it. Given that it's a lazy Saturday and they were showing it again, i actually did. Here's one dialouge that is kind of sticking in my mind.

The two main characters were getting married and there was a background monolouge. The groom, Landon was saying these words: "Love is always patient and kind. It is never jealous. Love is never boastful or conceited. It is never rude or selfish. It does not take offense and is not resentful."

It kinda begs the question - how much of it is true?! How come we always get fed Bullsht about majority of the things since the day we are born? I mean what's the purpose of feeding us stuff that's not even true? Not just in this case but ya know..stuff like FAIRY TALES. HAPPILY EVER AFTERS. WORLD PEACE. EQUALITY. PERFECTIONISM. And God only knows what else. Show me ONE goddamn example of any of these things. I don't mean to be a cynic, but come on. Enough with the "white" lies.

But hey, I love that line from the movie. Really romantic and who doesn't love a nice romantic line?I would have loved it even more if I were a true idealistic and actually saw real life proofs of these things and not just read/heard and saw people just....dream about them

Arright am just feeling bitter today. Blame on the weather please.

[Gemini]

Saturday
Oct. 21st, 2007
12:25 Am

Ami:
ai tomar dhar kache janala ache?
Bondhu:
ki
Ami:
tomar dhare kache janala achhe?
Bondhu:
kichui buji nai
Ami:
windowwww
Bondhu:
oh
Ami:
ase keno
Ami:
thakle akash dekho giye jao
Ami:
go see the moon
Bondhu:
ami khaitesi je
Bondhu:
hotat
Ami:
rakho tomar khawa
Ami:
its beautiful
Ami:
ami matro dekhlam

Aaj raate shotti ei chaad ta ke opurbo laagche. Purpuri gol hoye otheni ekhono...tai aro odbhut laagche. Chardeeke taake ghire rekheche tar ruposhi alo. Shara shohor alote jholmol...kintu tarporeo tar kache shob kichu molin laagche. Usually emon laage nah. Tobe shob shomoy majh raate je chaad dekha hoy tao nah.

[Gemini]

Sunday
Oct. 22nd, 2007
11:23 pm

Prochondo eka eka laagche. Ki ek odbhut dhoroner nishshongota...ami to moteo nishshongo noy. Barite to shobai achhe. Tahole keno mone hocche ei duniyate amar keu nei? Etto eka laga ta ki shabhabik? Ami jani nah, laagche. Onek onek eka...

Mathay ekta gaaner line ghurche kintu gaan tar naam kichutei mone korte parchi nah. Amar kache achhe gaan ta, kintu etto etto gaan...shob gulo shune shune ber kora prai oshombhob bepar. Uff god I hate when it happens. Haal chhere dilam. Coldplay'r "The Scientist" shunchi. Naah! Line ta kichutei matha theke ber korte parchi na. Ekhon purota moneo porche nah. Dhutteri.

....Achha shopne choori (bangles) dekhar maane ki? Keu jano? Ami jiboneo eta dekhi nai, ebong keu dekheche emono shunini. Ami odin dekhlam amar haathe rong beronger choori. Kacher choori amar onek choto bela thekei bhishonnnnn pochhondo!! Ekhono emon obostha je choori rakhar jaega nei. Kintu tai bole shopner majhe rong berong er choori pore boshe achhi eta dekhar ki maane? Tarpore abar choori gulo palte jacchilo. Jemon ami dekhlam ami pore achhi laal, neel, beguni, shobuj etc ronger choori. Hotath dekhi laal ar shobuj gaayeb hoye amar haathe shudho neel ebong beguni rong er choori. Amar shopno gulo erokom ajob dhoroner hoy keno?! Tobe sheta kono dushshopno chhilo na, shadharon ekta shopno chhilo. Kinba hoyto eto shadharon o nah. Etto beshi shadharon hol-e 3 deen poreo puro ta amar mone thakto nah.

Nijeke boro oporadhi laage. Like I don't know what to say or how to say or even know whether I should even be saying anything...or even reacting. I was and still am dumbstruck. Ekhanei ba keno eshob abol tabol likhchi tao jani nah. Prochondo raag hocche. Kar upore jani nah. Nijer opore? Ami keno gelam? Othoba Ammu opore karon uni niye giyechilen amake? Naki oi aunty'r upore jini amader ke kichhui jananni je okahne erokom kichu ekta hobe? Tar meyer opore karon shey oi chhele take pochondo korlo na? Naki oi chheletar opor? Just because you won't like each other will that mean you're gonna end up liking someone else at the same wedding party??? Kar opor raag kora uchit amar?

Erokom keno hoy bar bar???

[Gemini]

Monday
October 22nd, 2007
8:34 PM

I am soo happy today!!! I haven't been THIS happy in a while. And the fact that it was all so so unexpected makes it so much better. I got in!!! I got an early admission in all the courses I've applied to!!! I can't believe this!
But this also means I have to be on top of my game and in order to do that I have to work extra hard, more than anyone else. So yeah, it's great and the pressure is on!!! Oooo am soo happpyy!! Early admission!!!!


I'm hoping...mom is happy. Aar baba onek khushi hobe....

[Gemini]

9:36 pm

Abaro likhte elam. Tanhar blog ta pore reply dite giye dekhlam onek boro hoye jacche so thought might as well write in my blog.

Dekho, Tanha mon kharap koro nah. If it makes you feel any better - My birthday screws up my mood as well. Ami ar nijer ichhae palon kori na, onno ra kore/korte chae. Goto birthday te bikaler aage tader monei chhilo na. Amioy kicchu boli nai...In fact I didn't even think much of it. Besides, am far from a little kid.

I'm not close with my parents as well. They just don't understand me as a human being. Someone who may have her own plans to live her own life according to her own, once in a while. They aren't that bad but...well, we aren't close at all. In order to avoid spats, I don't speak a lot with them. And I've made peace with that...

You are not alone I don't even remember whether I was held by my mom when I was younger or not. Choto belar amar kono chhobi naai amar maa er shathe. I don't have the vaguest memories. I also grew up with my mama, nani, khala etc. I have very less emotional/sentimental ties with my mom and dad...and yeah, it sucks. I don't even know whether she's happy about my early admissions or not. And right now, as I write this, am wondering whether I should even let dad know. Whether he'd even care for it long enough. Oh yeaah sure they care. About my GPA

Arekta kotha shunba? I am always discouraged from persuing my love of arts and photography. In fact, no one even bothers about it. To top it off, I often meet with criticism regarding all aspects of my life and myself. Ami nijei amar nijer shob cheye boro inspiration. No one cares. And this is the truth. I can't even go to College for what I love. So yeah...program e chance peyeo baad dite hobe. But it's different for my younger sister, who also shares the love for arts.

So asha kori nijeke eka bhabbe na.

[Gemini]

Wednesday
Oct. 24, 2007
11:44 pm

Aaj onek deen pore daadir shathe phone e kotha bollam. Onek deen bola bhul holo. Onek bochhor. In fact, unar shathe amar kothai hoy na konodin. Shesh bar dekha/kotha hoyechilo 5 bocchor aage, jokhon dhaka giyechhilam. We are not very close, never have been.

Kotha bole...keno jani bhishon bhalo laglo. Uni aar aager moto nei shetao bojha gelo. Boyosh hoyechhe to. Boyosh hol-e manush onek palte jae, norom manush shokto hoye jae, ar shokto manush hoye jae onek norom.

Shokal 8 tar shomoy amar gola shune uni bujhtei parenni ke call korechhe. Konodin phone e kotha hoy na to...Jokhon bollam ami ke...uni onek surprised hoyechhilen. Although we were never close, I feel this amazing bond I have always admired her in my heart and mind. Oshombhob strong ekta manush. Totally independent. Very organized ebong empowering. Boyosher bhaare ekhon change hoye gechhen. Tobuo she has that certain grace. It's so strong that strangers even feel it even when they are on the phone with her. I believe my late grandfather has a lot to thank her for.

Uni ekhono eka thaken. Sharakkhon dekhar manush shudhu tar caregiver ra ar building er kichu close manush. Ar ekhon baba okhane. She has this certain elegance in her which is worth admiring and respecting. Ebong ami taake kichuta bhoi pai. Keno bhoi pai jani na. Tobe thik "bhoi" er moto bhoi nah. It's what someone fears towards the unknown. To me, she is unknown, just like I am to her. I wish things were different...

Daadir shathe amar je ador bhalobashar relation nei eta to bujhai jacche. She has always been closer to my other cousins, offsprings of her other children. Jani na er pichhone karon ki. Aaj jokhon daadi bollo tar koto bhalo laagche ami call korechi ("amar ki bhaggo amar Priyanka aaj amake call korechhe!!". Jibone konodin erokom kichu shunini tar kach theke, "amar Priyanka" bola dure thak) tokhon hotath onek kharap laglo. What about my other cousins? I have a pretty good reason for not being in constant touch but what about them? Or what about other relatives? She is also a bit sick but it was a bit of a relief to know one of my distant cousin is going to see her later in the day. At least she is going to be treated by a family member so she'd receive the ultimate care.

Kichudeen aage amar ek bondhu aka chhoto bhaiya giyechilo amar barite. Tokhon or theke shunechilam she can barely walk by herself. And according to his own words "I was scared as anything when I talked to her on the phone. Man she has a strong personality!! Ami bhoi e shesh, uncle'r shathe kotha bolar jonno amar permission nite 15 minutes lege gechhe!". Needless to say it was his first time seeing my family. He hasn't even seen me face to face yet. It wasn't the first time I heard strangers saying that about her. I myself kinda fall into that catagory, so I know that feeling a little bit.

Abar jokhon daadi bollen "amake jemon dekhe gechho ami ekhon tar temon noy"...tokhon hotath prochondo kharap laga shuru korlo. Manush jokhon khub independent hoy, khub strong hoy tarpore ekta shomoy eshe hotath tar weakness gulo show kore...it's quite tough to see that. Amar mone hoy na keu konodin unar ei roop ta kolponao korechhe. Ami ontoto korini, ekhono pari na.

Anyways. Call ashole korechilam baba ke. Besh kichudeen kono khobor nai dekhe bhablam phone ekta diye dekhi ki hocche. Babar shathe ami ekdom close na. Tarporeo I miss him when I don't hear from him for a while, or don't see him around. It's been about 4 months and eventhough I don't miss him everyday...he can never stop being my dad, regardless of the certain bitterness.

I dont know...Ami hoyto kichhuta amar dadir motoi. A little less expressive maybe. A little bit aggressive, tempermental, too. But soft and vulnerable nonetheless. And hate to admit/show this. We both, I guess have built a steel wall around ourselves to protect ourselves from God knows what (I know about me, but I don't know about her). We suck at maintaining relationships but it's not because we don't care. This is how we are. We'd rather not tell you this how much we love you in your face 24/7. And when we do express ourselves to anyone, it's worth more than anything. That just doesn't happen quite often. And most probably have good reasons.

Jani na dadi amake bhalobashe ki na. Kinba konodin beshechhen o ki na. But it was a good feeling that I made her day. For the first time in all her 90 years, that's the closest to love I have received from her. I promised to call her back and I certainly will. Eshob shomporko bar bar phire ashe na....