Thoughts of a Chaotic Mind

[.HellzPori.]

~ hey apu ..
i love the thoughtfulness in ur blog .. nd u seem like the kind of person that can be very straight-forward nd mean at times but still can be friendly ..
nd i honestly like those kinds of people ..
.. u write everything so simple nd yet they carry a lot of meaning nd i love that cuz i think i complained much about "meaningful posts" in this forum .. nd to me it's always a wonder to read something that actually matters! ..
.. so .. waiting for more from u .. ..

[Gemini]

thank you for your comment

On life and Religion

10:03 PM

Amar jibon niye khub beshi complaints nai. Just that once in a while I get tired of all the nuttiness of it. Majhe majhe ekta shanto shishto jibon khub miss kori. My life has anything but ordinary. Sometimes I miss the ordinary. Ami nije onek ordinary ekta manush..eto extra-ordinariness niye majhe majhe bujhi na kemne cholbo. Majhe majhe mone hoy amar ashe pasher manushder ami onek hotash korechi for not being some extra-ordinary human being they expected me to be.

Amar asholei mone hoy am at the wrong place, at the wrong time with usually the wrong people. Eishob amar jonno na, ar ami eshober jonno nah. Amar jonmano uchit chilo either in the 1800s or somewhere in the future. Ekhane ami atke gechhi. Eshober kichui amar jonno nah. Boro misfit laage nijeke. Emonki amar nijer bariteo. Ami na amar babar moto, na amar maaer moto. Ami kar moto ami jani nah. Dujoner karo motoi hoyni. Amar siblings der shatheo amar khub beshi meel nei. Ami amar moto. Na ektuu meel acche. Ora artistic. Kintu personality-wise am pretty much the blacksheep. I wouldn't lie and I say that it bothers me to no end. It usually doesn't. Gotten kinda used to it. Tobuo majhe majhe mone hoy amake erokom alada bhabe toiri kora hoyeche keno? Purpose ta ki? Not someone "special" or anything...but a bit different...

Besh kichu bochhor aage world religion class niyechilam. Different cultures, religion, manush..eshober upor amar onek agroho. I wanted to learn about different religions. Buddhism porar shomoye koekta kotha mathay gethe giyechilo. Goutam Buddha bole gechhen "Attachment causes suffering".Kotha ta onek shotti. Onek gobhir bhabe shotti. Er aage kokhono bhabini ami eta niye. Ami majhe majhe onek kichu niye bhabi. Boro boro bishoy na...choto choto bishoy. Boro boro bishoy niye bhabar jonne to onek boro boro manush achhen. Goutam Buddha'r ei kotha ta amake onek bhabalo. Asholei to. Attachment thaklei to dukkho. Amar kono kichur proti attachment thakle jokhon shetar kono khoti hobe, amar to koshto laagbe. Tar chaiteo beshi lagbe attachment ta jodi kono manusher proti thake. Anyone. Ami erokom koshter onek bar bhuktobhogi. Ekhono bhugi..manush je ami. Ar manush maatrei kono kichur proti attachment thakbei taar. Ami to tar urdhe noy.

Arekta kotha chilo. "Desire causes suffering". I can honestly say this has changed me somewhat. Ever since I read it and reflected upon it...ami onek kom materialistic hoye gechhi. Aageo je khub chhilam tai noy kintu bhebe dekhechi manush tar jibone ja ja korte chae..choto boro jai hok..tar onek tai hocche onner jonno. Tar jibone khub kom jinish ei thake ja shey kore kebol matro nijer jonne. Onek shomoy manush biye kore shongshar o kore onner karone. Ami pari na erokom lok dekhano jibon mene nite...parbo o nah. This is the thing I mostly get into trouble for.

Buddhism in a way have changed me. So did Islam. I'm not a really religious person as it can be visible. Religion plays more like a spiritual/philosophical role in my life more than anything. Kintu kichu kichu bepar ache ami gobhir bhaabe maani. I deeply respect all the religion and expect others to do so. But I don't impose my beliefs on anyone. It's just that...ignorance can be highly irritating. I used to be quite an ignorant person myself. And the society that I grew up in didn't help either. It's one thing I love about living here. There's a high level of tolerance here. Not 100%, but most certainly a lot higher. Unfortunately, I've obsvered that people from our native backgrounds are more judgmental of others than anyone else. Some of them still hold on to that cavemen era mentality. It's really sad in a way and I want to get away from some of these people who surround me.

And if you guys want to really understand Islam, the original relationship of Islam with Christianty and Judaism and for that matter, the sole purpose of religion itself (at least in theory) and want to get some ideas why some things exist in the world or more imporantantly, SHOULD exist, please read this book - The Heart of Islam: Understanding values for Humanity by Seyyed Hossein Nasr. You don't have to be a Muslim or even believe in religion to check it out.

Ishshor proti ami ekta chapa khobh lalon kori moner onek gobhire. Sheta shey jane ki karone. Tar jana uchit. I may sound like a 2 year old when I say this but why are we even here? For what? Were we even asked whether we'd like to come to this place and to these people? We didn't even get to choose the people we born to! We didn't even get to know what kinda influence they might have on us. What kinda life we'll be gifted (or cursed) with. We weren't given any choices..any chances. Others made the decision for us. The Almighty made the decisions for us.

Hell, we werent even given the choice in terms of choosing our sexuality..or even names. Our primary identity. Then we get bashed for being a certain thing. We get bashed because we're girls. We get bashed for being homosexuals as if some of us were given the choice. We get bashed for being born in certain parts of the world, for our skin being a certain colour. Of speaking with a certain accent. Of...whatever. Anything! We get laughed at, taken advantage of for being poor. We didnt even get to choose our religion! And for some of us all we gained by being here is a hand full of disappointments in the worst possible ways and times.

Sometimes I really wonder...Why are we even here? We're commiting sins everyday. And when we try to be good we get screwed by each other. So, even if we want to be good to each other, we can't. It's not "realistic" anymore. So were we just born to commint sins and then just end up in a place call hell? Cause I don't think any of us (no matter the religion) will be going to heaven in a long, long time.

But that book mentioned above helped to answer some of these things. We're all children of God and the same God. I won't go on too much about it, but it helped me learn my own religion. I didn't even know there are more branches in Islam than just Sunnis, Shi'ites and Sufis. Stuff that no one talks about. Stuff that everyone should know and share but no one does. But still...I'm mad at God for not giving me any choices. I guess He knows that if I was given a choice I'd chose not to be here. For the most part, anyways. Maybe that's why he didn't give me any. He wanted me to be here with a certain plan. I just don't know what that might be. Perhaps going through ups and downs and experience life in all its different facets everyday?

I kinda agree with Karl Marx when he said "Religion is the opiate of the masses". He was a deeply non-religious person. And that's where we have our differences. I'm not deeply non-religious so I don't blame religion for acting as an opium and intoxicating our mind. It's the people who have turned a simple thing like religion into a...sort of a monster. Kind of Dr. Frankenstein's Monster. These so called religios leaders (belonging to all different religions, not just one or the other) and even regular people have turned religion into a superduper complex and therefore a negative thing. These are the people who are the opiate of the masses, not religion itself.

Religion, I guess was here to bring us together, not break us apart. But I guess what ended up, or is ending up, or someday will end up doing is drivie us away from each other and kill us. And it'll be all because of certain people of our society (all over the world) and ignorance of the rest. Religion itself is a pretty harmless thing. Kind of a sleeping, locked gun under someone's pillow. It's harmless as long as it's not being unlocked and used for all the wrong reasons

[.HellzPori.]

~ u know .. i kinda agree with what u said on the religion bit .. it is actually true ..
religion has become such a big blob of issues that now i feel the truth is lost in there somewhere .. nd that it won't ever be found .. (nd that's my reason for having such opposing views on the religious topic ..)
all this religion stuff is also the reason why there is so much social turmoil in the world .. people somehow got rid of the true essence of religion .. they make weird things out of it for no good reasons .. to be honest .. i don't think we would have had to face all these problems today if people didn't change the meaning of the religious books .. but hey! .. the world was created to be destroyed right? .. so i guess whatever is happening is our destiny nd nothing more ..

[Severus]

tumi dekhi pura philosopher

[Gemini]

Sunday
July 29, 2007
2:33 PM

On Hellzpori's and Auvi's comments and random tidbits of life

Hellzpori: "but hey! .. the world was created to be destroyed right? .. so i guess whatever is happening is our destiny nd nothing more .."

Well the way I see it...God has more than one road open. If you take Road 1, you end up somewhere. If you take Road 2, your destination is different than Road 1. If you take Road 3....Hope you're getting the idea.

So I guess the road we're on now will take us to destruction. Because that's what God had in mind for us. Road 3 - The path to destruction. If we took Road 1 or 2, it might've been different. Maybe we still have a chance to go back and choose our road again, this time carefully. Or maybe it is quite late and we just have to keep going and face our destiny. The world was created to be destroyed but maybe in a different manner? I don't know!

Auvi...insult korla?

Random tidbits:

I woke up to a quiet house. It was just after 12, almost 1 pm. I remember I was dreaming...two of my dreams meld into one. I can get into details of the first one, should be quite interesting but I guess I won't. It's a little ghost story. A bit sad. I just play one of the supporting roles in the play. One of those people who comes to know about the person in question. It's a pretty interesting dream. I've seen it...I guess about 3/4 times so far. The other one is quite happy. Me picking blueberries from the blueberry bushes and living a pretty carefree life. Imagine what happens when two of these meld into one

Yeah so the house was unbelievably empty and quiet. I know at least my bro was home because he's the first person I saw when I first woke up (I basically wake up 2/3times before actually leaving the bed. It's this old habit of mine. I, or rather my mind, wake up really early (usually after dreaming), then fall asleep. Then wake up again but this time go into a half-asleep state till my body fully wakes up. I'm not one of those early risers, people who are able to jump off the bed at the drop of a hat! I resemble a cat more in this case.

My home is anything but quiet. Even if there's no one talking, at the very least there'll be the Tv. Today it was nothing of that sort. So this quietness was kinda making me feel awkward. When I was standing in front of the 2nd floor bathroom mirror, I could hear the living room door gently squeaking to the open breeze. So someone had to be home. The door was open.
After freshening up, I came downstairs to see my sis at the computer. Ah. But my bro and mom was missing. I asked her "where are they?" She told me they were out. Um yes...that was pretty visible. I lounged around a bit til my bro came back and it was anything but quiet after that!

The day feels very weird. Some kinda surpressed tension. Well that makes sense since the past two days have been like that. Am not in speaking terms with my mother. I don't have much talk to her about at this point. Specially after what happend 2 nights ago

Dad should give me a call soon from Dhaka. I don't know our house's phone or even his cell no. Ami oi bashar no. jani nah. Address to aroi nah. I just know the road no. and how the old building has turned into this monstrosity of an apartment. Well am sure the number is written somewhere in the address book but I don't feel like leafing through it. I need to give him a short message about one of my friends. And I need to know a couple of things as well.

Bhabchi....

The cacophony has started once again.

And now it has stopped. Temporarily, ofcourse.

Vashkor hotath kore chup kore gechhe. He's a friend of mine. I met him through another friend of mine called Mashfiat. Eder duijon ke ami ekhono dekhini since they're both in Dhaka. It's funny how most of the people I have so much in common with, people I get along so well with don't live near me. Even my best friends live 2 hours away. In almost different cities.

Wonder how Mashfiat is doing. It's been quite a while we've chatted. I hope things are going well with him. I miss our old Msn addas. Orokom adda mara hoy na aar...anything from alien life force to music, to mythology to...capitalism to current events! I miss that guy. Maybe I should mail him. It's a bad habit of mine to think about people but not making the move to know let them know.

I haven't been in touch with my cousins back home for months, if not years. I still don't know how one of their daughter sounds like. She's almost 3 and I still don't know how she sounds like when she laughs. I don't know how they feel about that. Is she even aware of my existence? Maybe she is. Am the khalamoni who lives in Canada. Kinda like a mythical creature that can not be seen. I often talk/think about changing this kintu hoye othe nah. No wonder people think am aloof and distant sometimes. I give them a reason to think that way. Hmm

Quote of the day:

The real hell of life is that everyone has his reasons.
- Jean Renoir

[Gemini]

Monday
July 30, 2007
12:07 AM

Dekhte dekhte puro ek mash chole gelo. Shomoy asholei onek druto gotite chhute jae. Ei ekta mash ki korlam? Kichhui nah. Abar onek kichhui. Ja hoyto chokhe dekha jae nah.

Amra kintu sharakhoni palte jachhi. Ek ghontar aager ami ar ek ghonta porer ami apatodrishti te dekhle eki manush. Onnobhabe dekhte gele moteo ek na. Ek ghonta aage ami onek kichui jantam na ja ekhon jani. For one example: Ek ghonta aage ami jantam nah Addabaj namok member ta ke. Ektu aage tar blog porlam. Eta ekta change, noy ki?

[Gemini]

Monday
July 30. 2007
3:36 PM

Deen tar shuru khub bhalo bhabe na holeo...kharap bhabe hoyni. Ghum as always, bhanglo dupure. Tobe ghumiyechhi bhor 4 tae, shey tulonay thiki achhe.

Maa er shathe aaj dui ekta kotha holo. Hmm.

Besh kichu bochor dhore bhalo manusher moto ghorir katar shathe taal miliye ghumate pari nah. Prochur raat jagi ami. Jokhon class thake tokhon onektai force kore majh raate aage ghumate hoy. Tao 12/1 ta bejei jae. Shuye porar shathe shathe ghum ashe na amar. Onekta jor korei nijeke ghum parai. Goto raate specially. Mind ta ke onek ta dhomok diye chup korate hoyechilo. Tarpore ami ghumate perechi.

Na amar ghumer problem nei. Ghumate onek bhalobashi. Biraler shathe amar onek meel ache. Ami onek arampriyo. Er karone amar ekta mojar nick o achhe. Tobe majhe majhe onek kichu bhir kore mathay. Onek kotha...onek bhabna. Onek ghote jawa, ebong kokhonoi na ghota ghotona. It's kinda complicated. I don't expect you to understand all this. Thoughts of a chaotic mind...

Majhe majhe bhabi...amar shathe keno? Keno...AMI? Ar keu noy keno? Kisher jonno? Jani eshober uttor kokhono pabo nah. Eshober kono definite uttor nei. Ojothai jiggesh kora, bhaba. Tarporeo...


Ek shomoy onek bhalo chhilam. Onek shoja shorol chhilam. Aajkal ar oto bhalo, oto shoja shorol thakte ichha kore nah. Ki hoy manusher bhalo hoye? Kochu hoy. Ichha kore onek palte jete. Hoyto parbo nah. I'm one of those people who can't be a rascal even if they wanted to be. Even if they have every perfect excuses/reasons for it. Just can't. Because when people like me wake up from their sleep the next day and stand in front of the mirror, they are faced with themselves. When that happens, they prefer not seeing a face of a cheater, a delibirate sinner, of a torturer.

Ami angelic noy. Kintu shoitan o noy. Parbo o na hote, dutor ektao. Etai amar ekmatro shantona. Jibone kauke aghaat korar jonno kichu korini. Koshto ki jinish ta jani tai sheta kauke dite bindu matro ichha kore nah. Ulto peye jai.

Boshe boshe Dark Illusion er Tragedy shunchi. Onek shundor ekta gaan. Gaaner shur ta aro oshadharon. Onno kichu ar shunte ichha korche nah...sharadin shudhu ei gaan tai shunte ichha korche. Kichu kichu gaan ache..ekdom mathay dhuke jae. Tokhon ar onno kichu bhalo lage nah.

Choto ekta bachha...6 bochor boyosh. Meyeta amar chul achre dicche. Gobhir momotay. Hoyto o bujhteo parche na or etotuku momota amar upore ki gobhir bhabe provab felche. Oke bolleo bujhbe na. Ek haathe amar chuler gocha dhore dekhche..epash theke opash theke. Khub lomba chul na amar tai khub beshi kichu korte parche nah. Amar chuler terota bajache ar ki. Bajak. I can always fix it. Kintu ei picchi haater sporsho shob shomoy pabo nah. Or ei mood beshikhon thakbe nah.

Oi je..or khela shesh. Khela shesh hol-e shobai chole jae...o-o chole gechhe.

Nah amar ekta jinish amar picchu charche nah. Kobe chharbe ke jane. Etodin bhebechi chhereche. HOtath kore abaro upolobdhi korchi..na chhareni. Ebong jani joto chharate jabo totoi akre dhorbe. I've made peace with it. It's not making peace with me.

[Gemini]

11:03 PM

Sharadin...kemon ekta deen gelo. Not really explainable. But it was good in terms of realizations. Dui ekta jinish realize korlam. Which was pretty surprising because I thought.....well anyways.

Amar duita friend ache. Ekta ekhane arekta Dhakae. Era keu kauke ekhono shamna shamni dekheni karon eder porichoy amar shutre. Dhakae je thake taakeo ami ekhono dekhini but we've known each other for years. Let's call them O and I. Mojar bepar hocche oder duijoner baba school friend. Kintu era keu karo existence shomporke jantoi nah. It was only a few months ago when I introduced them via MSN that we all came to know of the family ties.

Ebong O ar amar baba roommates chilo when they were in Montreal many years ago. And they kinda knew each other in Bd. Kintu ami ebong O keu karo existence shomporke jantam nah. Well I knew about her a bit. She was a media figure. Kintu o amar bepare janto nah. Besides I left Bd as a kid. Onek bochor pore...jiboner ghorpeche we landed in the same highschool here in Canada. I met her a few years ago and have been friends since. So bola jae ekdom shutae gatha relations.

Relationship ta aro kichuta gobhir arekta karone. Ami/amra bar bar dekhechi jokhon amader karor mon kharap thake, ki kono kichu hoy, bakidero hoy. Even when we're not in touch regularly. Hoyto ekdin hotath kotha bolte giye amra dekhi...all of us have been experiencing the same or the similar things in our own lives!

Goto 3 deen dhore I am not in the best of my days. I er shathe onek deen temon kono kotha hoy na so jani na o kemon ache. Kintu aaj O ke dekhlam MSN e. Turns out she's also been feeling the same way about the same issues. Amader 3 joner jibon besh alada hoyeo onek similar. It makes us laugh sometimes. Eto meel ki kore thakte pare? I dont wanna jinx ourselves but this is something truly amazing. Amader erokom ar karo shathe hoy nah. Kaal hoyto I er shathe kotha bolte giye dekhbo oro eki obostha! Unfortunately none of us are feeling very cheerful at the moment. Sigh...

I went out for a walk this evening. I wanted to get some sketches done and needed a fineliner pen. Pelam nah. Instead I bought a new sketchbook and a pack of pencil crayons. Jodiyo colour ekhon ar use kori nah. Pari na korte...hoy naah. May kinda sound corny and melodramatic but it's been a while I've been like this. Tao to bhalo abaro aka akir ability ta phire esheche, ba ashche aste aste. Kintu rong diye kichu korte pari nah. Ichha hoy nah...so amar ekhon duita media. Pencil ar charcoals.


Ami khub talented keu nah. Nijeke artist bole bhabteo lojja laage, to be honest. Kintu ekmatro ei ekta jinish ei sharajibon amar shathe thaklo ebong ektuo paltalo nah. Ektuo hotash korlona. Borong mone hoy amiy taake hotash korechi. Eta jedin amake chhere chole jabe odin hoyto hobe amar jiboner shesh deen. Jedin theke kagoje ekta achor o dite parbo na sheydin hobe amar mrittu. I wouldn't be much of a person after that. And I really pray to God that day doesn't come. Amar moddhe ar temon kichui baki nei.

Ami nijer ei ongshotake hoyto onek neglect kori ebong korechi. But thats only far you can go by yourself. It's only as far you can go without someone inspiring you, pushing you. Amar baba maa konodin chaeni ami etake seriously nei. Choto belay I used to go artschool. I had private lessons too. But that was in my childhood. After I came here everything stopped. Got busy with school, in a new country. Oshob onektai bondho hoye gelo.

It wasn't til I entered highschool that I started taking art classes. Tao kemon jano oshojjho lagto. Limited choices. Shob assignments. Nijer kono choice nei. Have to draw, have to paint, have to sketch what is being assigned. If I have to do a sketch of a lifesized strawdoll, I have to do it to pass the class. Not because I love it. I can't sketch something else. I can't draw the orange. I have to draw the apple because that's what the teacher wants us to draw. Shimaboddhota. Not something I'm too friendly with. Akaakir majhe to ami shimaboddhota thekei bachar jonno jai. Ekhaneo jodi shey naak golae...tahole kemne hoy? Shob shomoy je orokom problem hoto ta noy. Khub kom. Kintu oi muhurto guloi onek chilo.

Er majhe nije nije kichui aktam nah. That part of just died. Ja kortam class e pass korar jonno kortam. Pass o hotam. Kintu er baire konodin kichu korte ichhai hoto nah. Prai 6 years ami kichui kori nai. Tarpore hotath...2005 er Summer e..ek bikale hotath...ichha korlo. Abar shuru korlam. Liquid Eyes. Lolo...aro besh koita. Bondhura utshaho dilo. One of them even got inspired to write a couple of poems by seeing a couple of the sketches. I was like "yeey : Tarpore abaro kichudeener break.

Final year e art class e ami bodhdhoy shorbomot 4 bar giyechi. Ei teacher ta amar aageo chilo...khub beshi pochondo kortam nah. She's a bit btchy. Tar joto boyosh barchilo shey toto orokom hoye jacchilo. Plus it had more to with Art history than the art itself. Jodiyo course ta khub interesting chilo amar etokichu bhalo lagchilo nah. I ended up dropping it.

Tarpore I went into a downward spiral regarding everything in life. Onekta downward. Onek kichur bhetor diye gelam, thank you God. Started off the year by not having someone by my side whom I've gotten so used to. Goto prai ek bochore temon kichui korini. KOrte parini. I died again. Brutally murdered.

Someon else came to resurrect me. Lets just say bachate giye aro mere fello. Keno shey bhebechilo shey amake bachiye tulte parbe..ebong asholei ki bachate eshechilo naki tao jani nah. Funny thing is...I didnt neede to be ressurected nor rescued. I was doing fine, dealing with things on my own. But I remember in that shortest time I was close to being my best. I really thought I could live again. As a person and as an...artist?! But nope!

Er pore...besh keu elo...gelo. Kintu orokom bhabe keu amar shilpi shotta ke chhute pareni. Although that was mostly a mere act. Still...
Honestly, most people don't even care. Including my own parents
So now...am working on bringing myself to life again. I'm hard at work. Don't know how much I can accomplish.

I'm thinking of leaving my muse. Before they leave. I do not wish to see them again. Eventhough it was because of them...well indirectly. But still I know it was because of what they said I took my paper, pencil and charcoals out and drew that girl's face. "You havent drawn in 7/8 months?! I really do hope you are able to draw again sometime soon!". I feel bad. I really do. But I really don't have much choice.

I'm too tired of somethings in life. Especially the same circles I seem to go 'round and round in. Kinda reminds me of Floyd's Wish You Were lyrics."We're just two lost souls swimming in a fishbowl year after year".Only in this case there's only one lost soul in the fishbowl.

I do not wish anybody to be here. Not right now. And not in a while. I'm tired. I'll make a terrible company.

I had no idea that this is a Death Cab for Cutie song. I didn't even know the title but I've always loved it. I love "Soul meets body". It's an awesome song...but it kinda makes me feel sad. Maybe thats why I love it. Somethings are so beautiful it makes one feel a bit sad.

[Gemini]

Tuesday
July 31st, 2007
2:53 pm

Morte morte onek bar beche gechhi. Literally. Amar boyosh jokhon ek bochor tokhon ekbar ek talar baranda theke pore giye senseless hoye giyechilam. Pichoner deeke ektu jongla moto chilo...dhalu hoye neme giye ekta birat pukur chilo. Ami pore giye goriye barandar niche chole giyechilam. Keu khuje pacchilo nah. Pore ke jeno peyechilo. Pukure pore gele aaj ami...

Goto 6/7 mash e ami besh koi bar gari chapa porte porte beche gechi. Beshir bhag shomoy streetcar theke namar shomoye. Signal na mana gari. Ekbar namte jacchi...ki mone kore ami ek second er jonno thomke gelam. Thik tokkhuni khola dorojar shamne diye druto gotite chhute gelo ekta lal ronger sports car. Ek second. Shey ek second amar jibon bachiye dilo. Erokom besh koibar hoyeche.

Ekbar...jokhon ami 5 ki 6..narikel kheye bhishon bhabe food poison hoye giyechilo. Keu bujhtei parchilo na amar ki hoyeche. Aage to kokhono emon hoyni. Amiyo bujhte parchilam nah. Peter bethay mone hocchilo mara jabo. Marai jetam. I was taken to a doc..who injected me with a wrong kind of drug. Obostha aro kharap hote laglo. Tarpore amake niye jawa hoylo arekta nursing home e. Shekhane thaklam prai ek shopta. I was doing fine. Shey nursing home (naam bolbo na) er pichone ekta bagan chilo. Shekhane, ekhono mone ache birat boro boro laal, golapi, shada joba phul phutto. Last day te ki ekta injection dilo...amar daan haat er upor e shui lagano chilo. Saline cholchilo. Amar haat phula shuru korlo. Jani na...beche gelam abaro.

Sheshbar jokhon Dhakay gelam, oi Nursing home er shamne diye amra koi bondhu jacchilam...hotath mone porechilo ghotona ta.

Ekbar chhad e uthechilam. Oi dotala barir chhad ta ebong oi pukur ta bhishon pochondo amar. Ekhono...jodiyo barita jirno hoye gechhe ebong pukur ta bhore fela hoyeche. Dhanmondir barita amar konodin eto priyo chilo nah. Tobe bagaan ta onek bhalo lagto. Sheta ekhon parking garage hoye geche. To odin brishti porechilo. Ami kichukhon theke neme ashbo...hotath slip korlam. Ektu pore kheyal korlam amar daan paayer pata tin er gate tar bhanga ongshe atke gechhe. Ebong shomane rokto jhorche. Jutor bhetor diye dharalo ongsho ta gethe geche. I was about 7 or 8. Dotalar shirighor theke rokto niche jacchilo. Ami chitkaro korte parchilam na i was so shocked. Maa dekhe almost fit. Baba niye gelo doc er kache..7 ta shelai ebong pura bedrest er order pelam. Bhalo hoye uthlam. Buro anguler pashe jaegatae ekhon temon kichu onubhob kori nah. Numb hoye geche kichuta.

Arekbar oi chhad e pore giye amar chokher shada ongshe rokto jome giyechilo. Ekta dot. I had to go to school with that. I had to go outside with that. Kono cure chilo nah....nije nije thik hoye giyechilo.

All these makes me wonder What the hell am I still alive for? Who the hell am I still alive for? Definite kono answer nai amar kache. For now..am just alive and..well? Yeah it seems like it. At least for now.

[Gemini]

A guest is reading my blog. Well, whoever you are stranger, enjoy

Tuesday
July 31st, 2007
11:22 pm


I was lucky enough to come across a LOT of people so far. Some I'll never come across again. Some I've forgotten. Some have forgotton me. Some I'll never ever forget. Some will (hopefully) stay with me until they bury me in the ground.

I was never the coolest chick around. I was not geeky/nerdy either. I never bothered about fitting into little groups the way they make ya think girls worry about all the time. I never had any enemies nor people who spread rumours about me. I always had some friends and then there were a few people I knew from different classes and stuff. And my little crushes and life's typical dramas. That was it.

Later as I gradually grew up and changed, I stood out with my taste in music and some other stuffs, but it never bothered me. With years and life's demands, my friends changed but my social status stayed pretty much the same. I was always okay with it. I had more than that to think about.

I hung around with weed addicts the same way I hung around with people who got straight As in almost all the subjects. I treated them all equally. And they treated me fine. I was pretty straight but had a little rebellious edge to me. So I guess that's why I never had trouble scoring top scores in English and skipping classes to go smoke in the parking lot (which was offlimist to smokers btw, but I did it anyways and never got booted for it ).

There were a few times I got into arguments and fights with people who stepped on my tail, but since I didn't have major issues with the school authorities, I was almost always let off the hook. I got into trouble as much as I stayed out of it. When I skipped class, that was the baddest thing. But when I was in class, no one was more attentive, more polite and had more correct answers to offer the teacher. I also howled like wolves at the back of one of my English class. It was to mock the teacher whos name was Ms. Wolfe. She liked me though. She liked reading my journals and I liked her too. But howling like a wolf was fun!

And when the school decided to put uniforms on us, I was one of very the few who rejected it. Never wore it unless I had a good chance of getting caught by the principal or something (which was a very slim chance). I used to sneak into the library to use the PC or read the books or just hang out with friends (the library was a pretty good hangout, not at all a boring old place). I almost always managed to doge the snotty librarian and get in there without my uniform. In a large crowd of blacks and whites I was the colourful one. Not that i never wore my uniform, just that most days I woke up feeling more cheerful than just black and white

Thank God for most of my laid back and cool teachers who never kicked me out of the class for not wearing it. And the one who did, I hated that class anyways Besides my friends always took notes for me and told me on the phone what to study for. One even did some of the projects for me. Didnt' have to lift a finger for the project on Niagra Escarpment!

But I ended up dropping out of that school and joining another one. Thats another story. Let's go back to the people whom I'll never forget.

I came across a girl in my Science class when I was around 15 or 16. Her name was Daisy. Born and brought up in Canada, her parents were from New Delhi, India. She was a major tomboy. She was really tall, had really short hair which she gathered into a teeny ponytail at the base of her neck. She wore plaid shirts and jeans to class. Daisy Kalshi. Will always remember her and her pale eyes. Almost hazel-grayish in colour. Tall, kinda lanky. Pure tomboy with an attitude and a foul mouth to match. She swore as normally as some people breathe. She was fierce. But had a sense of humour which most people didn't know about I guess.

I dont know exactly when or how it happened but I found myself talking to her, sitting beside her and listening to her. She was into heavy duty drugs. She bragged once about stealing from these stores with her friends. I remember she told me she only been to India once in her lifetime, she was 4 years old. That badass Daisy. Skipped class like hell. But I remember...the project we did on the Lungs was really good. She did a lot of the work, something unexpected from the likes of her I guess. I remember she printed out the pictures and I coloured them. We presented it to the class and got a pretty good mark.

My teacher thought she was a bad influence on me because of the way she was. What did she know? We talked more about anything her analytical, critical mind could think of. Daisy made me laugh. I was too timid compared to her. Some of the things told me sometimes made me went "". The teacher (funny how I forgot her name and even her face but I remember she was from Iran and spoke with a slight accent and was a lil bit of an environmentalist. Rode her bike to school) once pulled me aside after class and sorta beat around the bushes. She was trying to tell me Daisy wasn't good enough. She wasn't good enough to even be close to a friend. Daisy wasn't my friend, mind you. We hardly saw each other out of the class. But we talked and shared. Well I don't remember telling her much because back then my life wasn't as exciting as her, so I mostly listened.

The teacher didn't see the way I was able to see Daisy. She didnt' see the side of Daisy that I was able to see. The part Daisy, I guess chose to show me. She was no troublemaker to me. Naturally, after the semester ended so did my meeting with Daisy. Never saw her after that. She just kinda disappeared. I don't know where or how she is. Whether she is even alive, to speak the truth.But she had touched me in a way that's sorta undescribeable.

She was one of the several people who helped me become the non-judmental person that I was able to become. I'm not purely non-judgmental, but well, I'm more accepting of people who are...different than the masses. I know that outside appreances can be deceiving. That theres more than to a person than what meets the eyes...or sometimes, the ears. Everyone have another person hidden underneath their clothes. We just don't see them. But we can, if we just open up our eyes and mind a bit.

To the society, to our Science teacher Daisy was a weed smoker, a troublemaker, a blemish in the face of the society. Maybe she was. Doing drugs and stealing and what not is not good nor the right thing to do. But did they know anything deeper than that? Did they know her? Nope. Did i totally know her? No. But I knew enough about her which made me not judge her like the rest of them. Which made me treat her no differently than I treated people whom I was friends with or knew. To me she was more than a weed smoker, more than a someone who did ocassional drugs. She was a person. A person named Daisy Kalshi