Thoughts of a Chaotic Mind

[shmegel]

i think ill savour this thread..u know read one post at a time...its beautifully written and as pori said, very thoughtful as well as thought-provoking. you have a very broad minded approach to life, girl. ill be turning into a hypocrite if i say im the same, im definitely not broad minded, more conservative than anything, but i love and admire people like you...i wish i could feel and respond to situations in the same way..

sorry! i couldn't help discussing your blog on this thread...i feel more comfortable addressing you face to face (well, in this case, not exactly, but im sure u catch my drift!). anyways...

great blog gorgeous!!! " keep it up" is the only advice i have to give...

[Gemini]

am honoured!

[Gemini]

Wednesday
Aug. 1st, 2007
6:39 PM

I'm not in my greatest mood today. I haven't been lately, in fact. I have my surroundings and its people to thank for it. But am dealing with it on my own terms. I'll survive. I am, after all, a survivour This trait is what keeps me going, have kept me going for so long. I thank God for making me a very strong person. And I hate Him for throwing so many curveballs at me at every turn and turning me into this so called strong person. I was happy being not so strong.

Anyhow. I wrote recently how I can't work with colours anymore. How they just dont appeal to me the way they once did. Well, I worked today with them after a long, long time. I'm happy. The piece doesn't look too bad. I guess I have to believe in my abilities more. I sometimes tend to surpass my own self when I do that. I'm happy that my ability of working with colours, or just the ability to create things in general, hasn't died out yet.

There are 4 people whom I....hate. I owe a lot of things to the first two...so it's kinda wrong for me (at least in theory and the religious texts) to feel that way towards them. But I also owe them a lot of my scars. Most, in fact. The third...I don't want to go in depth. The fourth and final...is someone whom I have to thank wholeheartedly for uprooting my faith, my belief in a lot of things that I once had faith in. He has left me scarred and it's something I guess I'll never able to heal completely. It's a tattoo that one can't get rid off but can only cover up. Saying I hate him will be a hilarious understatement. I loath him . I owe half of my scars to him...and the other half to the first two. The third and the fourth I will never see. At least, I would prefer not coming across. Ever. Specially the fourth. And I know they wouldn't want to cross my path either. The first two...well that's a different story.

I don't like blaming others for my own shortcomings and my bad days but these four characters play a much greater role than any others. I think I wouldn't do them any injustice if I say that they are the reason for most of my shortcomings. In fact, I think it's only fair. And to think I used to love these four once upon a time...and respected them deeply, looked up to some of them and...was willing to go to the end of the world, to the deepest part of the hell and back for one of them...hehehe. Life and it's irony.

Kinda reminds me of the following poem by Shakespeare. I love that dude.

Blow, blow thou winter wind

Blow, blow, thou winter wind,
Thou art not so unkind
As man's ingratitude;
Thy tooth is not so keen
Because thou art not seen,
Although thy breath be rude.
Heigh-ho! sing heigh-ho! unto the green holly:
Most friendship is feigning, most loving mere folly:
Then, heigh-ho! the holly!
This life is most jolly.

Freeze, freeze, thou bitter sky,
Thou dost not bite so nigh
As benefits forgot:
Though thou the waters warp,
Thy sting is not so sharp
As friend remember'd not.
Heigh-ho! sing heigh-ho! unto the green holly:
Most friendship is feigning, most loving mere folly:
Then, heigh-ho! the holly!
This life is most jolly.

Sarcasm at it's best

[Gemini]

Thursday
Aug. 02/2007
12:21 am

It's past midnight and I should probably head to bed. These lectures and mindless talk is really getting on my nerves. For days if not weeks. For months if not years and for years if not decades. And...for decades if not for life. How can people talk so much, seriously? How can one speculate so much without really knowing anything? Manusher etto guessing khomota kisher? Tao jodi ordhek jinish thik moto guess korte parto. Heh.

Apparantly amader Bangali culture er moto judmental and narrowmindedness ami kothao dekhi nai. Hell we even judge our own country's people. Sylheti people talking crap about people from Borishal. Chatgaiya people saying crap about what not. Sheesh. Jiboneo egula bujhbo na.

Anyways. Talked to dad finally. For about 3 secs. Kajer kotha chhara keu karo shathe eto beshi kotha boli nah. Bolar kichu nai really. Maa er shatheo nah. Amar asholei karo shathe temon kono kotha bolar nai. Jei karone I prefer to be left alone. Which isn't quite easy when you're living under one roof. Someday soon I dream of getting my own place. My own. Maybe with a couple of roommates. That's it.

Before I get myself into all sorts of messes (read: marriage *gags*), I would like to live on my own for a while. Preferrably ekdom eka. Maybe by next year.

Anyways. Time to head over to my room which is practically boiling hot and the fan doesn't help at all. Or should I try to get some more work done?

[Gemini]

Friday
Aug. 03, 2007
7:14 PM

I feel fidgety when there's no music. I mean yeah there are certain places and situations, but apart from those, I feel uncomfortable if there's no music Like right now. No seriously, I feel weird. Am gonna get my earphones.
Ah...shanti

Ektu aage ekta boi porchilam. Bhoutik, rohoshshomoy shob kichur proti amar onek agroho. So naturally, I have many books on these subjects. Mostly non-fiction though. Yes I know that sounds like a paradox. But it's not really the case all the time. Anyways.

There's a cemetary in Savannah, Georgia, USA. Savannah has been dubbed as the most haunted city in America. Too bad I didn't know it the last time I was in Georgia. I was visiting a friend and attending her wedding in Atlanta. Anyways. That cemetary, Bonaventure Cemetary (Bonaventure Historical Society) amazes me. The creepy stories aside, it is a wonderful place. Chokhe na dekhle hoyto bojha/bojhano shombhob nah. Jodiyo ami kokhono jaini, I was googling the cemetary and came across some amazing shots taken by various photographers in flickr. Amr prochondo ichha ache okhane jawar. As an ameteur photographer who loves to shoot cemetaries, it should be my heaven. Plus not to mention that am a sucker for a good, really good ghost story.

Here's one for you, taken right from the book Encyclopedia of Haunted places: Ghostly Locales From Rround the World. (Compiled and edited by Jeff Belanger) -

""America's Most Haunted City," Savannah, Georgia is home to more than its share of ghostly inhabitants. Among the noted hotspots is Bonaventure Cemetary, home of Gracie, the weeping monument, and the "Bird Girl" from Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil (which btw, I just bought a few days ago. What a coincidence!). The "Bird Girl" statue was recently moved to the museum downtown, because curiosity seekers and vandals would not leave it alone.

This cemetary, with it's moss-covered trees and serene atmosphere, is as frightening as it is beautiful. According to a well-known authority on paranormal phenomena, this site was once a lavish plantation, beautifully landscaped. During a dinner party held at the estate, a fire broke out and the immense mansion burned to the ground. Visitors have since told stories of spirit laughter and the clatter of dinnerware, when no one was actually present to account for the phenomena.

The creepy statue of a small girl named Gracie Watkins allegedly cries during the night within the cemetary. People who visit the grounds often place presents on Gracie's hands, such as money and trinkets. When one of these items is taken out of her hands, it is said that she weeps tears of blood (I actually seen a show on paranormal which had an episode on this. Too bad I couldn't see her weeping though. Nonetheless, Gracie is another reason I wanna go there).

Several other ghosts are also believed to haunt this old cemetary, including a pack of ghost dogs. These spectral hounds have been known to run after visitors, snarling and barking.

Savannah's history shines at this historic landmark, listed on the National Register of Historic Places. Many noted and locally influential people such as former mayors, clergy, writers and military officers share this burial ground. In addition, millions visit Bonaventure Cemetary each year just for the sheer beauty of the location."

Here is a photo of the Bird Girl:

http://midnightinsavannah.com/images/whitr2.jpg

And here's Gracie Watkins (photos of Gracie taken by Lucid Nightmare on Flickr)
1. Gracie in Gate on Flickr - Photo Sharing!

2. Gracie and Angel on Flickr - Photo Sharing!

3. Close up of Gracie on Flickr - Photo Sharing!

Gracie's Story

4. Gracie Marker on Flickr - Photo Sharing!

And here's some more of Lucid's shots of the cemetary

1. Thinking For Eternity on Flickr - Photo Sharing!

2. Resting on Flickr - Photo Sharing!

3. Weeping on Flickr - Photo Sharing!

Enjoy!

[shmegel]

"Most friendship is feigning, most loving mere folly":

harsh, but true. nice one!!

[PraNTiK]

wow ... darun!!!

eita valo kore porte hobe...

apatoto ... kichhu titbits porlam, GOLPER leader der niye kichhu kotha... valoi... hehehe ...

[Gemini]

Happy Friendship Day

Saturday (but for some odd reason, feels like Sunday!)
Aug. 04, 2007
8:24 PM

5 bocchor aager deen gulo prochondo miss korchi. Ei shomoy amra shobai Dhakae chhilam. Amar family, nani ebong choto mama. Boro khalar bashay katano oi chorom muhurto gulo. Endless fun. Nani ke niye onek shoitani korechi!! Cousins der shathe meele faizlami korechi family'r shob members gulare niyeo. (Oboshshoi secretly. Tobe choto mamar shathe onek close howa shotte uniyo jog dito)

Prai purota shomoy boro khala ebong bandhobir baritei katiyechhi. Abbu ammur theke puropuri lapatta ar ki. Barite tokhoni jetam jokhon abbu ammu gari pathay order dito. Protidin ghure beratam shohorer ekhane okhane. Ebong kauke kicchui na bole Comilla e chole gesilam!! Boro bhaiyar (khalato bhai) roome 3 khalato bon mile churi kore or cig tenechilam ekbar. Tante giye almost amar choto bhaiyer kache dhorao kheyechilam! God i'll never forget that one!!

Main Character: Amar mejho khalar meye hocche Shoma. Amar chaite prai...5/6 yrs er boro. Besh shoja shorol typer. Etoshoto bujhe na. Perfect character to make a bakhri out of. Ebong jeta ar keu na korleo, amader cousin (boro khalar meye) er husband kore. He bugs us all!

My partner in crime: Boro khalar choto meye hocche Onita. Amar chaite 7/8 yrs er boro. Amar motoi bitkele, mischivious. Tobe o baire onek shanto shishto, chup chap...but we know better. Am super close with both of them.

Location: Boro bhaiya (Oni'r bhai) room (our hideout).

Amra 3 jon oi roome jokhon bhaiya bashay thakto na dhumay adda martam. So ekdin adda martesi, Shoma mentions she never smoked in her life. Ami ar Oni ekjon arekjoner deeke takay ore bollam..."chapa marish nah". She's like "naaa bishash kor ami jibone cig tani nai " Bishash na korar kisu nai. O jibone ekta moshao mare nai. Amra to bhablam ei hoyse chance!! We refused to believe her (on purpose). Amra joto obishash kori shey toto bole she's speaking the truth!

So ektu pore we're like "achha thik ache, korbi?" She's like "kemne??" Oni bole "bhaiyar cig!!" Now bhaiya emnite onek bhalo keu jodi tar roomer kono kichu ulta palta kore rakhe, tar bhishon mejaj kharap hoy. Plus tar onek raag. Er upore we're talking about cigs...pura murder case! So plan korlam Shoma ke cig tana shikhabo. Amader moto instructors paile ar ki laage jibone!

So Oni bhaiya'r secret stash theke bair korlo cig. Shoma emon anari...oke cig kemne jalate hoy eta shikhaite lagse 10 mints!!! Koto gula match er kathi noshto koreche bhabte gele aajo hashi pae. So we're sharing one cig..ami ar Oni. Or turn ashlo...anari tanbe cig? Tailei hoyse...hashte hashte jaan shesh amader shobar. Beshi jore hashteo pari nah karon roomer baire dining room, jeikhane oi shomoy nani ebong dui khala chilo. Unader emnitei pochondo na amra 3 jon sharakhon gujguj kori bhaiyar roome..tar upore jodi shune etto hasha hashi...koutohol bere jabe.

So Shomar anaripona dekhe na pari shojjho korte na pari hashte. Cig tante giye kashte kashte shesh..ami dilam or mukhe chapa!! Kasha kashi shunle to nani douray ashbe...jiggesh korbe aaiii tora ki korish?? O kashe keno? Ki hoyse?? Eshob dekhe Oni shesh hashte hashte...Haire ki obostha!

After like..sooo many tries finally Shoma got a grip on that. So we're just addafying...hotath kheyal korlam floor e chhai pore shesh! Hai hai ekhon chhai kemne shorai?? Taratari foo too diye....Jaak, bhablam ekhon jhamela gese. Smell niye to arek shomossha...well janala to khule dilei or spray korlei to hoy.

Janalar opare baranda. Okhane jawar ekta matro way which is from boro apu (Oni bon)'r room. Apu ar bhaiya (her husband) wasn't home at that time. They have a son who, back then was 8 years old. Tar shathe thakto Shomar 12 yrs old, ebong shathe amar 10 yrs old er bhai duto. Era shob shomoy amader 3 joner moto mama-bhaigna-cousin gang banay ghure.

Hothat janalar porda nore uthlo...amra to puraa " Hai hai morsssiii!!! Porda nore ken??!" Hotath dekhi amar bhaiyer mukh janalr opare. "Tomra ki koro?? " Amra to ek laaf dilam! Thank God by then cig shesh...we were just sitting there talking. Kintu emon bhoi ta paisi...ami to....."Aaaaa tui ki korish ekhane???"

Or pash diye eibar oi duijoner face. "Amra to kheli..tomra ki koro?" Amra ki kori bolle to murder hoye jabo..matha kharap hoyse naki bolbo?! Oni dilo ulta dhomok..."Jaa ekhan theke amra ki kori jante hobe na nijer kaj kor!!" Birat mistake. Koutohol aro gelo bere. "Na naaa ki koro bolo bolo!! Ar tomra shob shomoy door bondho kore ki koro?? Door khulo!!!!"

Hai hai...door kon pagole khulbe ekhon?? Dhomok marlam...joto dhomok mari toto questions. "Ei roome tomra thako keno sharakhon? Ki koro? Door khulo na keno? Khulloooo khulllooo!!" Abdaar korte korte they came around and stood in front of the room. Amader to mejaj kharap hocche tar upore ektu bhoi o lagtese cuz choto khala hoyse birat boro daroga. Ctg'r bashay Shoma'r chhade jawa porjonto mana ar eikhane amra ore cig. tanachhi!!

Eto kotha shune to...amar khalara jiggesh korlo "ki hoyse?" Amra bhitor theke boka diye bolchi "dekho eder ke jaite bolo! Sharakhon amader pichone lege thake keno?? Ki shomossha??" Nani bole..."door khullei to hoy! Khulish na keno?" Kemne boli door khuli na ken?
Sheshe ami aste kore bollam.."guys ami door khultesi...tomra ei room clean koro...jaate kicchuu bujha na jae..taile kintu gesi!!"

Oidik ora room spray korche ar ami edik e door khullam. Khule shoja ek chor amar bhaiyer gaale. "Bod er haddi etto curiosity keno manush ki kore na kore?? Aay dekh ki kori " Shey bheu bheu shuru korlo...khala dilo amare boka. Keno marli?? Ami ar Oni ulta bhaab dhorlam Maane onek raag taag dekhalam pichki gular upore...complain o korlam how they're always bugging us and stuff and how the elders never say anything..the whole nine yards!

Tarpore polapan gula ulta jhari khailo amader ke birokto korar jonno Amra obossho pore kajer chele (e abar amader shob kukirti janto) take diye duita cig anay bhaiyar packet e emon bhabe rekhe disilam je bhaiya kisui bujhe nai

Shoma ke niye arekta kahini ache. I don't know how her picchi daughter will react if we tell her these things

[Gemini]

I love life

Monday
Aug. 06, 2007
11:12 pm

I had quite an interesting day today. I started the day off by going to an interview. I was supposed to be there around 1:00 PM but the since half of toronto is under construction, it took me more than the usual time to get there. Besides, I don't really know that area (yes I have realized that I need to get out the house more and figure this city out. It's a shame really). I had to walk a lot...and at one point I found myself inside a fancy hotel lobby. I was what I thought was an exit through the concourse level of a mall and ended up there. Then I took another exit (should've listend to my intuition and go the other way) and ended up in the beautiful terrace. It had a fake waterfall, benches and balconies to sit and relax.

For a few seconds I was tempted to screw the interview and just sit on one of the benches. It was very inviting. But no, that was not possible so I listened to my intuition again and went the other way...then I finally found the exit I was looking for and walked some more til I found the damn place...which wasn't that far from where I originally got off. Figures. All that walk for nothing. But it was good though. I got to see a part of the city that I didn't know before. Hehehe.

The interview went quite well. Should I stay optimistic? I do not know. We'll see. After that I went to treat myself by buying some music. Too bad the historic Sam the Record Man building went out of business due to low sales. Whoever says massive downloads desn't hurt anyone, they should really see it. We lost a Toronto landmark due to it. Not that I don't download music but I also collect albums hence support the musicians that I dig. Ther's a certain perks in owning an original piece of something. I ended up buying an Underoath and Norah Jones album.

Later in the evening I had a row with my bro and decided to get some fresh air. People won't believe this but Canada burns during the summer months. I know you folks in Bd won't believe this but you gotta experience this man. It was brutal but thanks to the breeze it wasn't so bad. I went into a kind of aimless walking and ended up buying one of my fav. drinks - Tim Horton's Ice cap. I was walking along the streets, sipping my drink when someone called me from behind. I turned around and saw a man, not too old than myself. He was tall, not really skinny and was wearing a black sunglass. He was white. He was kinda cute too. He was very polite and decent and was a couple of dollars short. I smiled and said lemme see..I should have some change.

I actually did. The cashier at the store had returned me 2 bucks in change. So as we were talking he told me he stayed in Hawaii as a kid, and I told him I love travelling and would love to go there one day. He asked me what are some of the places I been to and I told him unfortunately not many places but some cities in the States and Montreal. Turns out he's been to Chicago, Arizona and the reason he wants to go back to Arizona is because of Alcatraz and Al Capone. It's a historic place. I myself find the place to be quite interesting and we chatted for about a few minutes. He thanked me wholeheartedly and I asked for his name. His name was Barry and asked mine. We shook hands, said goodbyes. He went straight while I took the road on right, not really knowing where am going.

I keep meeting people that I will never see again. That boy in Greyhound bus back in 2003, whom I met when I was going to attend a friend's wedding in Atlanta, Georgia. He was on his way to Alabama. He got on the bus from I believe Detroit and we chatted all the way to Knoxville, Tennessee. We parted at 3:00 Am because I was going to Chattanooga and then to Atlanta. He on the other hand was taking another bus to Montogomery, Alabama. He told me basically his whole life story. I haven't, and most probably won't see him again.

Then that woman back in 2004, on Greyhound as well...while I was on way to Columbus, Ohio. She was a smalltown American, studying in Canada. She was going back to her town to celebrate Christmas while I was going to spend the break with one of my aunts. We pretty much share the same political view. Found that out while she was talking to someone else and we sorta striked up a convo. Wont see her again either.

Then that indie poet I met in Greektown on one afternoon who runs an online magazine. I was kinda walking aimlessly and she approaced me and asked whether I like poetry and I said I do. She then asked me whether I'd like to read some of hers. She had worked quite hard on them and it's about politics and social issues. I felt interested and paid a dollar for them. I have went to Greektown many times before and after that incident and am gonna go there again soon but I bet I will not see her.

Anyways. So after meeting Barry, I kinda smiled to myself at the memory. It was only a few seconds and he has become a part of my memory. Another face I won't forget but will never meet. He was very charming. I wonder what's his story.

I was walking down a row full of houses and nice cars. It was very very quiet. I spotted two people in their front yard talking really quietly. That's how people are here. Nomro, bhodro, nichu golay kotha bola type. Canadians are the most polite group of people you'll ever come across. Ofcourse there are some exceptions but on average we're very polite

Later I went to the Cemetary. You may freak out but I like going there. I find that specific cemetary to be really beautiful. It has a lot of history behind it. A lot of prominet people, who helped built the country of Canada are resting in peace there. Our finding fathers of the Confederation, the first mayor of Toronto. Mr. Hanlan as well. Mr. Hanlan is the person Centre Island's Hanlan's Point is named after. That Cemetary is one of my most favourite places to shoot. Too bad I wasn't carrying my camera. I discovered a different part of the cemetary today. I thought I know all the areas but turns out I missed one.

I was being careful not to step on anyone's grave. I know most people dont really care where they put their foot on, but I respect those who are lying underneath the grass. A lo of graves are so old you can hardly see the markings. Some tombstones are so old and worn out you can hardly figure out the writings. This cemetary was built in the 1800s, so it is ancient. A lot of the graves say the desceased were originally from the United Kingdom.

There was a cherry tree beside one grave. Full with ripe cherries. It was on the edge of the little cliff. Beside it a wooden staircase went down. I wanted to pick some cherries. Not really for eating...just like that. But I didn't. I went pass it and there was a very, very narrow path leading down. On both sides where flat grave markings bearing the name and the dates of the desceased. I kinda felt...i don't know..odbhut to be walking down that narrow path. All those who were resting have had seen a different world than what I see. They all lived a different life. They perceived the world differently. In their own ways. They never in their life have had imagined someone like me would be walking down the path where their grave would be beside. That made me wonder again....who would walk down the path beside my grave?

That also made me wonder...where is my sister resting in peace back home? I haven't seen the girl. She was born and passed away two years prior to my birth. If she were alive she would be 25 years old now. I have never been to her gravesite. I don't even know whom she's lying beside. My nana or my dada? Or somewhere just by herself? I have not seen any of them nor been to their gravesite. I sometimes wonder how she would have been if she were still alive. No one really talks about her. I'm 23, she's still a baby, a few days old. I miss her sometimes.

I have a baby cousin lying somewhere in the next town. That's where the Muslim gravesite is situated. I have not been there either. A week before he was to pass away I wanted to go visit him at the hospital but somehow I couldn't. I went to see him before. He was born with some health problems and was there til he passed away. I wanted to go see him badly. I don't do well with hospitals and sickness okay? But still....But I couldn't see him for one last time. I heard they planted a tree in his memories. I hope he is resting under that tree in peace. I hope God places all 4 of them in Heaven.

As I was walking around I received a call from my mom. She was outside and was wondering how I am doing. Told her am out for a walk...I'll be home shortly. She reminded me we had a party to attend. I told her I'll be there....shortly. I stayed there a few more minutes. The sun was gonna go down shortly, so the powerful rays were softening down. I was walking down a path that was lighted with the soft rays and decorated with rows of trees and tombstones. It felt a little unreal. I sat in an area....and found myself crying. Well not crying. I usually don't or rather, can not cry even when am under a lot of hurt. Tears were quietly running down. I let them. After a few seconds I wiped them off and got up to be on my way home.

[Gemini]

Continued....

I came home, listened to the Norah Jones album and tried to finished my half eaten sandwich that I left before I went walking. I ended up throwing it away a few minutes later. Then I called my best friend O and talked a little about things that mostly had nothing to do with the days happenings. She told me she bought 3 tickets to the Scorpions concert. One for me, one for her and one for one of her friends. We hoped the show gonna rock. Then I selected my outfit, got ready and headed to the house we were going to.

I just got home an hour ago and here I am, writing the blog and listening to The Car's Drive. Am gonna go to sleep shortly. Well, no not sleep. Just read and listen to music and kinda relax. Then maybe I'll fall asleep by 2 or 3 AM.
Tomorrow am gonna go down to the Cemetary again to shoot. I saw a little fairy figurine beside a grave that I have to take a photograph of