Thoughts of a Chaotic Mind

[Gemini]

Chhesrar chhesrami chhara kichui nah Ami ar amar friend ekhon ritimoto ei bhashay communicate kora shuru korsi eke oporer shathe "Tor kono bipod holey ami aghiea asbo" ei typer kotha barta

[Gemini]

Saturday
April 19, 2008
5:05 PM

Amar etto kaj jome achhe kintu alshemi kore kicchui korchi nah. Dekhteo nijeke bhooter bachhar moto lagche. Pura bari guchate hobe. Nijer room thik korte hobe. Kitchen clean korte hobe. Ammu nanir barite. Weekend e ammur shob kichu off, eshob usually amar kaj...but I kinda suck at these stuffs So yeaa alshemi kore etokhon tv dekhlam ekhon net e gejacchi with a friend and eikhane likhchi. Ei hoyse obostha. She's gonna kill me raate jodi eshe dekhe shob aula hoye achhe. Kill korbe arekta karone. He's coming over Oi karonei aro korte ichha korche na kichu Beshi ahlad pae! But am going away for 2 days so nijer kaj gula korte hobei

Kalke Boishakhi mela hobe duita jaegae. Shokal theke dupur porjonto kichu kaj achhe tarpore bhabchi bondhu bandhob, family shobai ekshathe ber hobo like we usually do every year. Gotobar Boishakhi mela hoy nai amader paray for some inside kechal (bangali jeikhane kechal sheykhane ) Majhkhan diye pura mood noshto hoysilo amar ar ammur. She even bought me a very nice shari. Good thing was I got to wear that and meet up with my friends anyways. So addabaji howar plan chilo, sheta at least hoyse. Kintu I love mela and most other cultural programs

Hay hay...amar je kotto kaj baki! I had to take the monday off from work just so I could get some of the things done. Majhe majhe life etto hectic hoye jae tokhon chillaite ichha kore Kintu chillay ki kichu hoy? Tokhon shob hojom kore niye ja ja korar...sheshob korte hoy. Jai hok.

Mela niye ekhon discussion choltese. Kontay jabo ami ar friend bhebe pachhi na. Ei para na amader shoshur bari para?? (amra duita eki parar ebong amader shoshur bariyo ek paray hoyechhe. Well then again, all my husband has here is one of is khalas so unar bari ei amar proxy shoshur bari.) Sharajibon amra shob bondhura amader paratey melay moja korechhi, ebaro tai ichha. Dekha jaak ki hoy. Ufff Saturday and Sundays are so damn boring. Blaaaaaaaaa.....

Random thought: shopping for household stuff is sooo weird. I mean oh wow...wtf?? My own place???!!

[Gemini]

Thursday
April 24th. 2008
4:19 PM

It is one heck of a day for me. Gosh. Both good and bad though. Had a hellish time at work. I was running late, almost got ran over by a taxi, wasn't giving everything my 100% at work (more on that later), spilled boiling hot water on my right hand, got hurt in the eye and when I caught my reflection in the mirror later, the little area on the white of my eye was red. It still is and on top of that, am having allergic reaction. The same eye is a bit puffy and all iitchy and watery. Need I explain more? Am glad am safe at home right now. Then again it's only 4:19 and etokhonei ja ja hoyse...baki din tar kotha bhabteo ichha kortese nah. Er por, Allah na koruk hoyto dekha jabe mathay bari kheye behush hoye gesi or something. Sheesh. What a way to celebrate(It's been a whole month today). Erei koi kopal.
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Aj ke exactly 6 bochor pore amar boro boner shathe amar jogajog holo. 6 bochor aage or shathe kono ek karone ekta biraat bebodhaan toiri hoye giyechilo. Jar phol eto bochor shobai shobar theke dure. Kichuta achomkay bebodhaan ta jeno kome jachhe. We have spoken (well chatted) this morning for the first time since April 24th, 2002. Hmmm. And she has two wonderful looking kids that I kinda have missed out on being an aunt to. Well then again, aint my fault. Anyways. Hoping it's not too late. The other night at the dinner table, my mom announced bhaiya (her husband, my bro-in-law) is coming to our wedding reception next month. I almost fainted. I did NOT see that coming. I was utterly shocked and then the shock was replaced by a certain amount of happiness. I've most probably spoken to him at the very most...5/6 times, that too years ago. But hey, everyone's putthing behind their differences. Or at least sooner or later, would.

Man...seeing all the going-ons I feel like my wedding is working like a superglue of some sort. It feels amazing. EVERYONE is coming together. An aunt of my dad is coming from the States. She has last seen my dad when he was in grade 7 . The other uncle has seen my dad when he was 3 or 4. Just imagine! Then there are LOTS of other relatives who are attending the reception next month whom I have never ever seen but heard so much about. Around 500 people are attending of which 350 are from my extended family. Even amar fupato bhaiyer chachara porjonto lafachhe! Etto kichu dekhe mone hoy biye to korini...jeno ek historical event-er jonmo diyechhi Historical family gathering. Man oh man..I'd love to see them all! Do pray

[Gemini]

Satureday
April 26th, 2008
5:27 PM

Ek bichitro koshte koshto pacchi. Keu jeno onek purono ekta khote hotath khocha diye feleche. Ebong odrishsho oi bedonaay ami eka eka kaatrachhi...kaatrei jachhi. Oh God.

Ek boba kanna thele thele utthe jachhe buker gobhir theke. Utthe dicchi nah. Eshob khub ekta bhalo lage nah. Amar mathay ashole manush dhoke nah. I don't get people..tai hoyto tara amake shob cheye beshi onupranito kore. Karon tader matha mundo ami kicchu bujhi nah.

Dirgho koi bochor pore boner shathe abaro kotha bolchi. Jonmo theke chena ei manushtar shathe abaro notun kore shomporko sthapon. Parthokko hocche amra duijonei BHISHON palte gechhe, boro hoye gechhi. Ami ar choto noy...Kemon odbhut laage nah? Matha/mon theke ami shohojei onek kichu jhhere felte pari. Manush kono oporadh korar por ki prochonod koshto dewar pore taake jhhere felteo amar khub beshi shomoy laage nah. Okeo felechilam shotti bolte...well to some extent ar ki. Amar bon ke ami kibhabe jhhere fele dei purapuri? Je amar etto priyo ekta manush chilo...etto kacher.

Naah likhte ichhe korche nah....chokhe pani eshe jachhe. This is so weird. I just want everything to be just like before....I will make this right. Jibone konodin kono kichu thik bhabe korini. Mone hoy na konodin purapuri parents er kotha menechi...ba kono jinish thik moto korechi. Biye tai prothom. Ebong unader kotha shune oke biye kore ami oshukhi noy. So now I have to do another thing right. And right now. I am gonna make everyone ONE again. Shudhu koshto laagche ei bhebe je....ami koidin pore nijei ei barite thakchhi nah....

[delilah]

[Bristir Chhonde]

Ahare....api all i can say do it. follow your heart.

[rongon]

............অনেকদিন পর ;;

......... এতো বড় একটা get together অনেক ছোট ছোট ক্ষত এর remedy হতে পারে । এক কোনা থেকে যত হিজিবিজি - কাটাছেটা আছে, সমানে erase করা শুরু কর ।

...... খাইছে । তোমার ফুপাতো ভাইয়ের চাচারা লাফাচ্ছে ? পুরা federal election এর মত ব্যপার স্যপার । ভালো করে genealogy check করলে দেখা যাবে আমার চাচারাও বোধহয় তোমাদের বিয়েতে লাফাচ্ছে ।

অনেক অনেক goodluck ....for a great massssive ceremony .

[Gemini]

Hmm..following my heart is something I usually do and sometimes I kinda regret it because there were many occasions my own heart has let me down and I should've let my head rule. But then again...there were many more times it didn't screw me over. And looks like it isn't doing it now

Wednesday
April 30. 2008
5:39 PM

Rongon, federal election-ei bote Ami shob shomoye kom-beshi shobar priyo kintu tai bole etto boro gathering hobe, etto kichu kokhono amake ba ami-related kono kichu niye hobe...I myself don't believe all these nor have I ever imagined.

Manusher hoyto life-long ekta shopno thake tader biye ebong bibahito jibon tibon niye. Onek planning, onek shopno, onek expectations...onek ashongkao. Especially when they're young. Hoyto Bangali meyeder ektu beshiy thake, jani nah thik. Ami kokhono erkom boro kono shopno dekhini. Ekjon ke niye choto khato ekta shopno ekshomoye chilo, sheta hoyni. Taake ekshomoye bhalobashtam, hoyto shomoy moto biyeo hoto amader. Thank God hoyni. Majhkhane shudhu 4 ta bochor noshto hoyechhe amar. Je kono manusher 18-22 hoytoba besh productive kichu bochor. Oi shomoykar shundor shundor muhurto ami hariyechi, shey shathe kichu opportunities o. I gave things shot even after that, nothing worked out. Er pore toh...I kinda gave up or at least was well on my way. It was for my inner optimist, my best friends and sometimes even for my now-husband, then R bhai that I couldn't or didn't. Now I have little to no regrets about anything. Who knew God kept putting me through crap because He had something bigger and better for me on His mind? (random thought: If God has no gender then how come HE is always referred to as a male? Hmmm).
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Goto porsho boner shathe prothombarer moto kotha holo. Kenakata sheshe bari phirchilam amar borer shathe. Hotath phone beje uthlo. Rasta ghate phone-e kotha bolte comfortable laage na amar. Oneke achhe bokbok korei jae, korei jae. Ami pari nah. Rasta ghate cholte cholte phone-e bokbok kora ebong khawa dawa kora ei duita bepare ami onek picky. Emniteo phone-e khub kom manusher shathe onekkhon kotha boli. Prothome bujhte parini ke koreche karon etto bochor pore...bar koek hello hello korar pore dhomok diye uthlo o "Areh AMI! Apu". I felt a chill run down my spine. Pray adha ghonta kotha holo or shathe. Mostly catching up on family members and events. Jiggesh korlo amader ekmatro bhaiyer gaaye mangsho ki konodino hobe na? Ami bollam mone hoy nah. Ajibon chikoni theke jabe, jotoi junkfood khak. Ami jiggesh korlam or bachha gulor kotha. Mojar bepar hocche it didn't feel weird nor there was any uncomfortable silence in between. It was almost like we picked up just where we left each other years ago. The grudge that I used to hold for her is gradually fading away.

Ami prochondo raagi, sometimes illogical ekta manush. Rege gele prochur chechamechi kori, bari mathay tule felte amar 5 minute laage nah. Obhimani noy, kintu obhiman holey shetao prochondo. Majhe majhe hoyto amar raag kichuta childlike. Kono kono shomoye abar ulto. Prochondo rege geleo kichu boli nah shudhu je responsible, taake eriye jai. That's my worst side karon chilli korleo beshikhon oi raag ta thake nah. It's when I'm quiet and distant that people should avoid me. So I avoid them instead. Ami hoyto konodin or shathe ditiyobar kotha boltam nah. Ebong ami sheta dhoreo niyechilam. But yeah I've changed my mind now. I still haven't forgiven her and I guess I never would 100%, but I value human relationships and we once had a pretty good one. Maybe we can give it another shot, I don't know. Writing of her..she just messaged me online and I had missed it.

It has been another working day and I'm tired. Man oh man...on a completely different note: Shesh porjonto amader choto fufu o facebook join korlo. Kore abar bhaiya keo add korse in my cousin's profile it boldly displays that he is now friends with his own mother What is left there for one to see after this??!

[Gemini]

Monday
May 05, 2008
9:28 PM

19 more days until am gone from this place and I can hardly wait. My younger bro's an impossible creature and just the thought of not living with him under one roof is equal to the feeling of living in paradise minus the Satan himself. Ameen.

Will I miss my mom? Thik jani nah. Will I miss my dad? Tao khub ekta jani nah. I owe them a lot...but they also owe a lot to me for installing a few negative characteristics in me. Will I miss both of them as parents? Well..that's a toughie. See theoritically and socially we're supposed to kinda worship our parents because well...they're parents. But I kinda refuse to do that because as much as they're parents and as much as love/respect go...I believe it kinda goes in a circle and I'm sorry I treat human beings as human beings, not "no wrongdoer" deities. That's how I have always been, it's in my blood. Oneke pare, oneke kore. Ami pari na tai koriyo nah And I don't always like people who treat others like they can do no wrong. To me that isn't just realistic or logical or even right.

So as much as I feel and understand them, when I look back at my entire life and its many events all I can say is...no, not much But then again, I've spent close to 24 years with them so....more or less, I will miss the presense I guess. But I sure as hell will NOT miss a few things which they obviously come with and what makes them...THEM. Actually just the thought of living in a place where I will get to spend for long periods of time either alone or with just one person..with whom I get along long quite nicely is very comforting. I have never gotten along seamlessly with any of them. I never have, I still don't and I never will. Even when I'll be 6 ft under, I bet my mother will not stop criticizing the way my corpse is lying.

Anyways. Whatever...19 more days. I've survived all these years...I'll survive these mere days too. Well I guess am making it sound very hellish but it's not like that all the time. It's just...most of the time. And I freaking hate it like anything. All these stuff have cumulatively turned me into somewhat of a bitter person eventhough I, by nature am not. Whatever rough times I've been through thanks to my parents and some other people sometimes turns me into a short tempered, sometimes stone cold, detached...person even I myself don't like. I know this is bad and am trying to change that about myself because the last thing I want is to become someone/something I myself loath...not to mention something that will have a negative effect on other parts of my life.

I'm grown up enough to know blaming anyone for your things never does anyone any good eventhough it's absolutely just. The only just thing is...walking away from it and not let it take over entirely. The only smart thing to do is not becoming someone the unfortunate events of your life would have you be. I've been able to shake off most of the negative thoughts/feelings I have felt in the past due to certain events/experiences and the last thing remaining is a little internal transformation. It's time for me to step out of my old life and into my new and I want to do this as a totally new, positive, vivrant person and not blame anyone for what they knowingly/unknowingly caused me. It's time I start afresh. It's what I always wanted to do. Now I'm being presented with the ONLY chance to do it right and I want do it perfectly. Whatever it may take...

I just hope I can forgive my family, especially my mother one day....and make up to my little sister because she never complains.

[Numb_with_Rage]

inshallah u will

tc