Thoughts of a Chaotic Mind

[shmegel]

Yeh, best of luck with everything api

[Bristir Chhonde]

of course you will...

You will be fine api....just few more days.

InshaAllah things will be fine.

[Gemini]

Wednesday
May 07, 2008
1:25 PM

Ei muhurte college library te boshe achhi. Mejaj kichuta kharap karon online e assignment check korar jonno amader ekta alada section ache. Sheykhane ami dhukte parchi nah. Ei id ebong pin colleger shob khane kaj kore...shudhu eikhane eshei aatke jachhe. Kodin aage amar pura id ebong pin kichhui kaj korchilo nah. Dui deen ghurar pore thik hoylo. Tar upore 2 deen ami classer baire. Mejaj ta etto kharap. Admin er kacheo jete ichha korche nah. 3:30 te ekta online class ache ekhon baje derta. Ei dui ghonta ami korbo ta ki?

Eki college'r notun ekta campus-e bodli hoye eshechhi. Ei campus ta pochondo hocche na temon ekta. Ashole jar jeikhane theke habit hoye jae. Chokhe dekhte parchi na kintu du/tin joner mridu shore bola bangla kotha kane ashche. Voice gulo shob guloi purush. Boyosh andaaz korte parchi na tobe mone hocche amar chaite boyoshe boroi. Hmm. Gharer pashe arekjon boyoshko student ghora phera korche. Uncomfortable laage keu erokom korle. Eto gula pc khali thakte erokom ghoraphera korar ki maane re bhai? Boisha por na kono ektay. Lok tare dekhe mone hoche mathay kinchint chhit achhe. Ke jane thaktei pare! Onekeri to kotto kichu thake.

Kalkeo ekta test er jonno class e ashte parbo nah. Tar maane prothom shoptaher shob koitatei golla. Mathay etto chinta je kichui bhalo lagche nah. At least amar shoshurer kidney transplant successful. Biraaaaat boro ekta chinta theke amra shobai mukti pelam! Unake niye ei dui mash onek tension e chilo shobai. Especially o karon emon muhurte shobaike chhere eto dure achhe bechara

Majh raate nonod text kore janalo "baba ke ar ek ghonta porei Ot te niye jawa hobe, tomra parle ekta call dao". Shathe shathe o phone korlo rasta thekei. Onekbar cheshta korar pore pelam. Ektu kotha holo. Line kete gelo. Tarpore majh raate abaro text kore janalo "ekhon anestheisa dewa hocche tomra dowa koiro". Jibon emoni je unar jonno hajar chinta howa shotteo ghumiye porlam karon shokale uthe abaro doura douri. Tachhara asha ebong dowa kora chhara manusher haate ar ki-ei ba achhe? All I couldd say to everyone and to myself is...Don't worry let's pray and hope he's at good hands and God is there for him. Shokale uthei abar nonoder text "Babar operation successful, uni bhalo achhe tomra chinta koiro na. Parle maa ke call kore tumi ektu kotha boilo". Ami uttor dilam ami ekhoni ber hoye jacchi bari phire phone korbo.

At least ekta chinta gelo. Tarporeo ektu chinta thekeo jae. Amar keno jeno kichhui bhalo laage nah/laagche nah....dekhi baire theke ghura phera kore ashi ektu. Dui ghonta pore abaro ei morar Comp lab e pherot ashte hobe. Ichhao korche nah jottoshob.

Amar friend ke ekhono phone kora hoyni. Actually amar moto...ki je bolbo. Ashole amar moto good for nothing ar hoy na. Amar ei friend ebong or husband duijonei amar highschool friend. Duijoneri prothombarer moto baba maa howar kotha chilo amar receptioner thik dui deen porei. Bhagger phere na kisher phere....na ki karone...tara tader prothom shontan ke koi deen aage hariye fello. Ami je oke dekhte jabo ba ekta phone kore kotha bollo.....ami ta korte parchi nah. Ami kibhabe korbo?? Ki bolbo oke ami? Kadish na...mon kharap korish na? Chinta korish na? Eshob bola jae?? Kibhabe bola jae? Kon mukhe bola jae? Ami kibhabe oke comfort korbo? Eita kono comfort korar jinish? Aaj amar shontan ke ami obhabe hariye felle ar keu jodi eshe amake eshob bole...ami ki ta shunte chabo ba shojjho korte parbo? Hajar matha kute felleo to or shontan or kache ferot ashbe na. Ashbe? Tahole ami ki-ei ba korte pari? Meyeta jokhon amar shamne bhenge porbe ami sheyta shojjho korte parbo na. Jokhon khobor peyechilam or shoshur mara gechhen ami tokhono jete parini. I couldn't stand the thought of seeing her husband and her sis-in-law (also a pal) as orphans.

Ami pari na eshob....keno pari na ta ami jani na kintu pari nah. I suck at saying goodbye so I avoid airports and train stations and such. I can't comfort anyone when they're mourning their loss mainly because....no matter what they WILL mourn and they have every right to mourn. Let them mourn and they'll be able to accept life sooner or later. The more you try to comformt them the more they'll mourn and be hurt. Besides....I can't handle seeing my close people go through hell. I just can't see it with my eyes. It's not that I don't care...it's just that....I don't know what.

Jai baire jai....

[Gemini]

Saturday
May 10, 2008
8:37 PM

Nanir barite adda marte marte break-e facebook e dhukechilam. Toh dekhlam amar bon ekta pic e besh khocha mere comment koreche. Ghotona ki dekhte giye ekta group-e chole gelam. Tarpore....pochanor lobh shamlate na pere join-o kore fellam. Manush ke shadharonoto pochai nah. At least niriho prani der pochanor majhe ami kono moja dekhi na tobe jara oboshshoi deserve kore, tader keno jeno ektuo chhar dite ichhe kore na Odik diye ami ebong amar bondhura birat boro boro bodmaish. This group, its creators and their friends without any doubt WHATSOEVER deserve pochafying of GIGANTIC proportions. Kindly do pay a visit and be my guest if you feel the urge

The Link: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=10297637221

If you have trouble accessing the page...you need to log on to facebook and then join the group before you can post anything. Another way is...entering the group's name "DHAKA NIGHTCLUB" in the search box

[rongon]

অদ্ভুত curiosity নিয়ে facebook এ dhaka nightclub এর 65 টা pictures dekhlam ভাই । এদের comments and other group related activities o দেখলাম । মজা পাইছি । শুকরিয়া । যথেষ্ঠ অদ্ভুত ।

অস্থির ,
শাদা কৌণিক আলতে বসেছে স্বন্ধ্যা ;
বিমূঢ়, চুপ্সানো টি-ব্যাগ এ খসে পড়েছে হাই হিল ।
- যা কিছু বৈদেশিক, তা কিছু কি অপ্রকৃতস্থ !

টালী খাতা হাতে আমরা ক'জন মাংশাসী গাধা -
প্রগাঢ় ইন্দ্রিয়রা ঢিমেতালে শুয়েছে পড়ে পশ্চিমে ।

এবার শালা,
চুরি যাক মাঠ ভরা যৌনতা ,
চাঁদস্নাত স্তন ।

বিভ্রান্ত পিঁপড়েরা হেঁটে যাক
ছুঁয়ে ছুঁয়ে
ওষ্ঠ থেকে অন্য ওষ্ঠে ।


p: ---- আতেলের বাচ্চা বইলা গালি মাইরো না আবার ।

[Gemini]

Haha na deini gaali They banned me and a friend from the group. Guess couldn't take the sarcasm and snide (but well deserved) remarks

Tuesday
May 13.2008

The song am currently listening to is called "Bomb Creator" by Yahel. If you haven't listened to it yet, please do. It's a nice number and I thank my friend S for sharing it with me. Onekkhon dhorei shunchi...ektanaaa....

Ami prochondo bored. Thik koto ghonta online e boshe achi jani na tobe bari pherot ashar por thekei. Aar kichhu khuje pacchi na korar. Naah. KOtha ta thik nah. There's plenty to do. Ei jemon jinish potro gochgaach kora. Konta konta...ki ki shathe nebo ki ki nebo na. Luggage ebong bag-e jamakapor dhukate hobe. Boi gulor ekta bebostha korte hobe. Haate shomoy beshi nei maa ektu aage reminder dilo. Ichhe korche nah.

Amar mone hochhe amar roomtar theke mon uthe gechhe/jachhe. Thakte ichha kore na ektana dui deen. I guess it's my subconscious mind's way of dodging the reality. The reality which is....am no longer be living here the way I have been for the past 10+ years. So I guess I'm trying to get over the attachment subconsiously or something Whatever it is...it seems to be working. Then again....with me, you never know.

Who would have thought I'd be getting married in the Church that's on the next street? It's an abandoned Church which belonged to the Bulgarian community only God knows how long ago. They now use it as a place to hold meetings and ceremonies and Boishakhi melas and other community events. And also weddings. Heck I've attended like 3 weddings there myself. Although am already married...I could never have imagined in a MILLION years one day my own wedding reception will be held there. That too....mine and his. We celebrated so many Boishakhi and other melas with our friends there It's just insane to think all this in one sitting. The same steps that we'll be using to inside...we sat or stood there many times in our group...eating and drinking and laughing at some inside jokes or whatever. And now am married to the person! I just somehow can't get over the aweness of the whole thing.

Yesterday we were watching "Kalifornia", a movie about a serial-killer played by Brad Pitt. He was lost in the movie as I turned to him...and I kinda froze. He barely noticed me and I just looked at him...and kept looking at him. "To hell with Brad Pitt and his brilliant acting...I'm married to R bhaiya!!" is how I kinda felt. I kinda forced myself to realize a few things all over again because it feels good. I dont know when I'll get over it. Am still pleasantly surprised. And I know so is he. Sigh. Anyways. Umm..donno what else to write. My writings are very random. They're more like random thoughts than anything else because I don't come here after planning on writing about anything specific. As soon as I write the time and date, my words just beging to flow...and I just let them. Obviously there are times I go over and over before posting and get rid off some stuff...but I'm not good with planning the pieces like some people are. Meh.

I think am gonna go sit outside with my mom and neighbour like we always do during the Summer months. Kokhono kokhono shobai meele raat 2/3 emon ki bhor 4 ta porjonto adda chole. It's the last Summer I'll be spending here. Not even the summer...since I'll be gone in a week, even before Summer holiday starts.

For Mother's Day I couldn't get mom anything because I worked basically the whole day and by the time I was off, everything was closed early because it was Sunday. So yesterday (Monday) after we had lunch, my husband and I went to get some roses for mom in the colour she likes them. There were VERY few left...and I bought 3 but wasn't impressed with the packaging because the girl who does them weren't there. I was complaning and very sad because I wanted to do it right....arektu hoyle mone hoy chokhe pani eshe porto. He turned around and asked me to come with him. I said to forget it..there's no point the girl's not there. He didnt listen to me and kinda made me go with him. When we returned to the store however, she was there. So he bought 3 more and asked her to put them in a bouquet together. When we got off the streetcar my mom saw us together with me carrying the roses and she smiled. She has a beautiful smile, nothing like mine and it's so cheery! I wish she smiled more often. Then she hugged us as always and we gave her the roses and the card. She was so happy...it kinda made me sad.

Sad because I'm not that good with celebrating certain things just once a year so I often ignore such things. Which resulted in me not getting anything for Mother and Father days. The only thing I probably celebrate properly is Birthdays and other important anniversaries. The thing is...my husband is the same so imagine how much we'll suk at keeping up with all these Hallmark dates! At that moment, seeing my mom I wished I were a bit more commercialized like so many others. Or...was able to get my mom her favourite roses everday so she'd smile more often. Funny thing is...she doesn't like flowers much but has some weakness for that coloured roses and that coloured roses only And it's one of the hardest to find!! By the time Father's Day rolls around....I won't even be here. I know I make it sound like am moving to another continent...but then again...itsn't that how it feels when you move no matter how far?