Thoughts of a Chaotic Mind

[.HellzPori.]

cleaning your room is one of the hardest things to do on this planet.

[Gemini]

Monday
September 17, 2007
7:47 PM

Hellzpori'r kotha ta asholei shotti. Cleaning your room is one of the hardest things to do on this planet. Both literally and figuratively. Figuratively, it's even harder. And this is what something I've been trying to do, over and over again. There were many times I thought finally I've done it. But it turned out that...maybe I have gotten rid of two huge bags full of junks but I've brought 5 others to replace it, without even knowing. And I kept doing it and doing it. When I got rid off something, I thought I'm bringing something new and good for me, but they too turned out to be junks. Or at the very least their nonexistence and some memories of the past brutal realization and of the present truth.

I gave my friends a advice when they were going through some tough emotional turmoil. To them I said "Look at it this way okay? Your closet is full with clothes. Clothes that you wear everyday, clothes you wear occasionally and clothes you never wear. They are very old, they don't fit you, and you don't even look good in them. So why do you keep all these things inside?! How the hell are you gonna make any room for anything new if you keep hoarding the old stuff that's not even good for you? Throw away the junk from the metaphorical closet which in reality is your life, heart and mind and make some space for the new!" Then I took my own advice.

Only, not to make space for anyone.... but just some space. That's all I need for now. Some emptiness. Well I do feel "empty" from time to time, but that's not the kind am talking about. It's a different kind of emptiness that I needed to make space for. There were waay too many clutter. Some of the clutters still remain, but am working on it I don't really need anyone. No wait, I do. But no one in a form of what most would call a "boyfriend" or a "love interest" or what have you. I've literally got 3 friends and for now, they're all I need. They mean waaayy more to me than any man. At least, for now

Anyways. God I started off this blog stating that I won't be writing a lot of personal stuff but here I am Nah, I don't feel like writing anymore.

[.HellzPori.]

aww. well, as u said urself. let ur thoughts flow, even if it means that u want to talk about ur personal life, don't stop. just keep going. those r actually the best pieces of writing when u write cluelessly .

[Gemini]

Tuesday
September 18, 2007
8:52 pm

Bhishon chintai achhi....about studies (have to score at least 85%), job (need to save big time), relocating for studies and starting a brand new life. Or not

I might have to relocate for postsecondary edu. I will not be going that far away from Toronto, but I've never lived outside of Toronto. That too, alone. So when I do get accepted there, I gotta move. For at least a couple of years. Which means:

1. I have to move to a place totally unknown to me.

2.I have to pack up all my stuff and...really move.

3. Before all that, I have to find a place to live (either the campus or an apartment).

4. Just as importantly, I have to quit this and find a new job. What is the success rate? I have no clue.

5. I have to adjust and readjust to everything and anything.

6. I have to be totally dependent on my self. From making the bed to doing the grocery to cooking the food...to doing the laundry...everything.

No mom, no dad. No siblings...and no friends. I have never done this before, but a part of me really want to do it. And to be honest I really feel that I should go away from mom dad, bro and sis for a while. To find my own path and rediscover myself. Just to get away from the everyday...schedules, you know? This is one way of doing it. I still don't know how realistic am being, but I won't know how something is unless I experience it first hand, right?

Oh and did I mention no one in the family has a clue yet?

[Gemini]

Thursday
September 20, 2007
5:05 pm

Today in Law class, I defended the rights and freedom of convicted sex offenders. There was a case study and according to it, in Texas it (the court) has stated that it has the right to put up a sign in front of every convicted sex offenders yards stating "Warning: Registered Sex Offenders Lives Here". The question we were asked was if they implement the same law here would it be violating the Canadian Charter of Rights and Freedoms of the convicts? Almost everyone in the whole class said No, it wouldn't. I said Yes, it would.

I received a shocked response and was asked Why? Many argued that they are sex offenders, which is very serious. So why shouldn't the public know? They have every right to know, etc. One student even said if he was an offender he would expect a sign on his own yard. But everyone was missing the question. The question was about the Covict's rights, not the rights of the common people I think Ms. herself was so wrapped in the whole explosion of comments and arguments that she kinda missed it herself!

As far as we all know, if a convicted criminal has served his/her time in jail and is out, they are free. Because they have alreayd paid for their offence. So I read a particular point from the Canadian Charter: "Everyone has the right not to be subjected to any cruel and unusual treatment or punishment". I said "This is why it's gonna violate because the treatment is not usual. Putting up a sign on the yard saying "Convicted sex offenders live here" is unusual. Nothing like that has ever happened to anyone, and as far as I can see, it won't. The convicts have every right not be subjected to this treatment. The public has every right to know about the convicts living in their area, sure. But the officials can let people know it a different and more (usual) matter."

That stirred up more arguments. "Why not a board in the yard? That's a sex offender we're talking about!!! Everyone has the right to be safe!!!" etc, etc...

Ms. asked me for my copy of the Canadian Charter (which was the same as everyone else's. She herself printed that out from the Official Canadian Charter of Rights and Freedoms site) So she read it...and finally agreed with me. The rest still resisted. Everyone has an opinion for the board in the yards. Everyone's talking about common people's right to know about the sex offenders. But no one was seeing the point that we have not been asked about common people's rights! And once someone gets out of jail after serving their time, they're done with it. And it says "Everyone", not "Everyone except convicted sex offenders" or anything else Even the most outspoken, most opinionated and certainly the brighest guy missed it

So it was basically the whole class vs. myself. And I backed my decision up and won the debate Am happy.

Am happy because I won the debate. Not because I proteced some sex offenders rights. If I had my way, I'd hang every one of them by the neck in public even after they served their time. But being the way I am, I'd probably check and make sure there aren't any "miscarriage of law" before carrying out the action. I woulnd't wanna hang someone and then find out 20 yrs later that they were innocent.

If I had my way I'd hang one such offender by the neck in braod daylight. For everyone to see. For everyone to hear what he has done to someone. Right now he's out in public, living a pretty good living with a career in a multinational company. Or so I have heard. In the eye of the common people he's probably a very good citizen. Pays his taxes on time. Doesn't speed while driving. Doesn't drunk drive. Says "please" and "thank yous". But no one, except for 3/4 of us know what/how he truly is. Hell I think even he himself forgot what he had done to someone years ago. If I had my own way, I'd remind him of his deeds 24/7. But I can't.

I can't because the victim have kept quiet like they most of the time do. Do they have much choice? Who wants to risk being socially stigmatized? Who wants to be out in the public eye like as a victim of an assault like that? Would you? Would I? I dont know. I guess not.

As if commiting the assualt wasn't enough, he has gone to the extent of tormenting her mentally and spreading things around. And he has caused a even greater crime. If only he was convicted and sentenced. If only the victim decided to come forward. If only the victim was guaranteed no stigmatization...no abandonment, not misjudgement....But no one can do that for her. She is guaranteed those things. And for this reason alone she has kept quiet. And there is not much anyone else can do. Because in the end, it's the victim who decides whether to keep quiet or go forward and expose the offender. So he has gotten away with everything. He is living a carefree life, living with ZERO GUILT.

And even if I was to bump into him on the streets I wouldn't be able tell him apart from anyone else because I don't know how he looks like. He has commited a heinous crime and has been rewarded with a enviable social status. I wish I was a lawyer or something at this point. But I also thank him in a way. Why? Because he has inspired me in more ways than one. Because of him maybe someday I will be able to speak for and represent the ones who have been wronged by the likes of him. Someday....

[alana]

apu ami tomar last entry ta porlam.i like the way u think nd the way u opposed ur whole class and after that u wrote wut u feel n like to do with sex offenders.ur writing style is very good n interesting...

[shmegel]

woahs u study law?? coz if you do, i was gunna say, ur so right for the job!

and i agree with your argument too btw. good on ya!

[dark_saint]

interesting matter ..........nice blogger api

[Gemini]

Thanx for reading it! No I don't exactly study Law but I'm going down that path more or less so taking this course

[Gemini]

Saturday
September 22nd, 2007
11:30 PM

I start considering moving from Toronto and suddenly some fucked up people decide to commit crimes (sex assaults, to be specific) in university/college campuses. Nice. My parents would really love it if they hear my future plan after all these, eh? I am sooo happy!!!

Am just being sarcastic, just in case you didn't get it.

Anyways, am sooo tired. Just got home after 12 hours. I went to work then travel all the way to the East end to hang out at my boro mama's place where my choto mama and nani also live. Boro mama and his family just got back from Dhaka two nights ago and finally the house is alive again with the two children As soon as they stepped into the house, boro mama called mom and insisted we go over because he has not seen us in 3 months! So por por 3 deen dhore okhanei adda marchhi!!

I got so many great gifts oh my god. I was not expecting all this! Am just thinking how the hell am gonna wear all these clothes?! It's not that am a minimalist but ekta manusher jodi eto jama kapor thake...
Just a few days ago I received few sets of salwar kameez courtesy of dad and now all these shari and kameez I dont know...it kinda makes me feel bad because am very aware of the fact that many, many people are not this fortunate. It makes me feel...really sad. Eid er jonno holeo dui ekta kameez/shari ei enough chhilo

I can not see people suffer, especially when it involves their basic needs. This is not fair, it shouldn't be like this. My two little cousins (aged 6 and 4) just came back from Dhaka and it was their very first time going there. They have never seen nor experienced any of the sufferings many people suffer. They were telling us about it and sometimes showing how people beg.

Most found it cute, it only made me feel worse. And I think the suffering has also have become embedded in their innocent, little minds. Manusher dukkho koshte amaro onek dukkho koshto hoy. At one point I was thinking about all this and I felt like crying. This is not how it's supposed to be! One can't have everything while the other is left with nothing! I don't care what religion says. It says the little a person has in this world the little they have to answer to God in the day of judgement. I have not seen the day of judgement, neither have they. Eta ki dhoroner bichar? Je ekta manusher basic survival er jonno kichhui thakbe na...taake manusher kache giye giye haat patte hobe. Aar protidaane pete hobe bonchona. Tarpor hoyto ek shomoy bechhete nite hobe kono oshoth poth. How fair is that?

Kintu amra, jader nai nai koreo onekkk kichhui ache, amara egula bhule thaki, egula amader ke ar sporsho kore na. Because we are so damn self absorbed and greedy. That's what it all boils down to. We're self absored and greedy. We DON'T NEED 80% of the stuff that we HAVE and WANT and THINK we need. Yet we complain. We b*tch about how we don't have anything we want and so forth. Whenever I think of all these people who can barely eat two days in a row, I try to keep my b*tching to a minimum.

I don't know man. I don't know about you but I wish I had a lot money and ways to feed and clothe everyone, build a house for everyone and also provide medical attention for everyone on this planet so that no one would go hungry, no one would have to wear scraps, no one would have to sleep on the cold, hard pavement and no one would die without at least seeing a doctor first. But I can't do that. At least not alone.

I sincerly thank God everyday for giving me so much. Yeah...there have been a few things that were taken away, but I've also been given a few things that so many others weren't. I've been given many, many things and I couldn't thank God enough.

In this materialistic world, money doesn't hold a lot of meaning for me. It is very important, I know that. Living in a world where proverty still prevails there is no way of ignoring the power and the need of money. Nor is there a way of ignoring how evil its power can also be. I don't want to be so rich. Manush joto rich hoy, toto nichu, toto lobhi hoye jae. Etai manusher nature mone hoy. Not that everyone is, but most are.

I don't wanna be one of them. I just want to have enough to live decently with a little extra. More than that, what I need the most is a happy home and a happy self. And a more stable world to live in. It can be harder than acquiring a lot of wealth. I know that very well. I don't wanna end up being a person who has a lot of material wealth but comes home to a HOUSE and does not even see her own family that often because they are so busy running in the rat race. I'd rather be there with them and have them be there with me and be happy

Like everyone, I will have a lot to answer in the day of judgement. Maybe not what I did with my overwhelming wealth but maybe what I did and did not do with whatever I was provided. I hope I'll be able to come up with some really good answers